Week 10: Terribly vexed
No intro this week, but next week I have plenty of material thanks to water damage in my basement. Thankfully, Kyle was kind enough to step up and take the wheel.
I pop in for our recurring segments and a few notes, but it’s his show. Enjoy!
One of my favorite parts of this league is I barely know the people in it save for JJ, Lee, and Steve, all of whom are probably impressed I’m showing up to even write this thing. There’s something kind of fun about seeing you all on a Zoom call every September for an hour and then going about our business in this fantasy football thing. Usually, fantasy football leagues are reserved for lifelong friends but in this case, I’ll settle for some guy named Jimmy who lives in Florida. Or is it Colorado? Or went to high school with JJ. Or college? Fuck it, I don’t know. Anyway, I’m using team names instead of real ones for the games.
Villian Corner:
In celebration of our own villains, this week Monday Night Football for whatever the fuck that was, each dispatch we will take a moment to appreciate a great villain from entertainment history.
Commodus from Gladiator
The thing about 90% of villains? There’s usually a redeeming quality. Hell, you might find yourself actually cheering for the villain. Take Hannibal Lecter, for example. Sure, he is a psychopathic serial killer who eats human beings for sport but I’ll be god damned if you are not high-fiving folks when he breaks out of that charade of a fourth floor jail cell in Silence of the Lambs. Hannibal is a monster but he is also quotable, charismatic and holding all the keys to all the doors of that film. Even last week’s Villain, Chigur - there is almost something mythical to that guy.
That leads me to our villain of the week. This sniveling, sister-chasing, emperor-wannabe, mother fucker.
Now, make no mistake. This is a great movie character. And a 25-year-old(!) Joaquin Phoenix nails this worthless piece of shit. His ability to grapple with unrequited love from his father and his sister while still being completely in love with himself is a masterclass performance. A perfect villain needs to be the right amount of evil but the most hated villains are the ones who leave no mystery to their evil.
Cersei, for all her awfulness, is so god damn good at being evil that you’re nothing but impressed when she burns the whole temple down. This guy just has a lot of that power but uses that power in the most self-serving, nefarious, and brutal way. But that’s the thing about power in this world - it transcends all else (until you get a knife to the throat). Let’s recap the awful evil of Commodus from the start, starting with our introduction of said villain:
Commodus: I’m here father, did I miss the battle?
Marcus: You missed the war.
BOOM. FUCK THIS GUY. LET’S GO.
####
Commodus kills his beloved father by suffocating him. Oh.
Orders guards to arrest their beloved general. Not cool.
Sentences beloved general to die. Fuck off.
Orders the crucifixion and burning of beloved general’s wife and son. Uh, someone gonna get this dude?
Ascends the throne where he then starts just picking off people based on paranoia and early AD amphetamines. I’m all set on this ruler.
Arranges for a fixed fight versus Maximus where he preemptively stabs him in the shoulder blade (this blade is poisoned too, right?) to prove to the crowd that he is still in charge. Anyone? Anyone?
Now here is another test of a villain: How satisfying is it when they die.
Find me a more satisfying villain death than when Maximus slowly turns that knife around on Commodus, plunging it in his chest. I re-watched this movie on Saturday night and let out an audible “fuck yes” when Commodus orders Quintus to engage their swords and he immediately says no. It’s a perfect villain death for an absolute monster of a human being.
SEASON POWER RANKINGS
Using all the info at hand for the current season (points, points against, averages, schedule, roster depth) here are our league power rankings through 10 weeks
| Rank | Team | Change |
|---|---|---|
| #1 | Justin Childs | --- |
| #2 | Micah Thoman | --- |
| #3 | Will Armistead | ↑1 |
| #4 | Andres Santana | ↑3 |
| #5 | Kyle Luke | ↓-2 |
| #6 | Ryan Munson | ↑3 |
| #7 | JJ Bailey | ↓-2 |
| #8 | Jimmy Slater | ↓-2 |
| #9 | Andrew Dewitt | ↓-1 |
| #10 | Steve Keers | ↑1 |
| #11 | Chris Bailey | ↓-1 |
| #12 | Lee Morehouse | --- |
STRENGTH OF SCHEDULE
| Rank | Team | Change |
|---|---|---|
| #1 | Jimmy Slater | --- |
| #2 | Justin Childs | ↑3 |
| #3 | Will Armistead | ↓-1 |
| #4 | Micah Thoman | ↓-1 |
| #5 | Lee Morehouse | ↓-1 |
| #6 | Andrew DeWitt | ↑1 |
| #7 | Ryan Munson | ↑2 |
| #8 | JJ Bailey | ↑2 |
| #9 | Steve Keers | ↓-3 |
| #10 | Chris Bailey | ↓-2 |
| #11 | Kyle Luke | --- |
| #12 | Andres Santana | --- |
PLAYOFF ODDS
| Team | Odds | Change |
|---|---|---|
| Micah Thoman | 96.92% | ↑6.76% |
| Andres Santana | 96.92% | ↑6.76% |
| Justin Childs | 81.68% | ↑16.28% |
| Kyle Luke | 81.68% | ↓-8.48% |
| Ryan Munson | 81.68% | ↓-8.48% |
| Will Armistead | 48.61% | ↑15.11% |
| JJ Bailey | 48.61% | ↓-16.79% |
| Andrew DeWitt | 48.61% | ↓-16.79% |
| Steve Keers | 48.61% | ↑15.11% |
| Jimmy Slater | 18.28% | ↓-15.22% |
| Chris Bailey | 18.28% | ↑8.13% |
| Lee Morehouse | 7.10% | ↑2.65% |
THE
GAMES
THE GAMES
Albuquerque Aztecs vs. Colorado Man Happenings (127.1-116.4)
As someone who currently has not one, but two running backs handcuffed on his fantasy roster - I’m applauding Albuquerque for this little Bijan - Allgeier number. Not in a “this is a smart move” way but more in a “this guy gets the dedication to the handcuff” bit.
Also he has not one but two Chiefs on his roster- a move that, as a Chiefs fan myself, I have to question. Now other Chiefs fans will get mad at me for criticizing this because most Chiefs fans aren’t reasonable people … but this Chiefs team profiles like the late 90s ones and not the 2019 one. Phenomenal defense, bruiser RBs, ball control, time of possession .. but they have Mahomes and not Elvis Grbac (cash in your Elivs Grbac mentions over .5 on your way out please). We’ll see if this holds up over the next two months (5 of their remaining opponents are playoff-bound) but for right now let’s just call this what it is: A team who gets it done … who are also 2.5-point dogs in Buffalo this weekend.
Lamar vs Josh Allen should’ve been the QB match-up of the fantasy weekend but Josh needed to do the absolute minimum to beat the rotting pumpkin that is Joe Flacco’s Cinderella carriage and the Colts. Meanwhile, Lamar did regular-season Lamar things and was absolutely electric Thursday night vs the Bengals. That proved to be the difference in this match-up of guys I know nothing about except for the fact they might live in or are from Colorado and Albuquerque. Next game.
The Good Ole Days vs. The History Man (131.1-105.1)
It pains me to imagine how much time JJ spent deciding between Rodgers or Goff only to have it ultimately not matt-
Wait a minute …
Is that … Drake Maye’s name on JJ’s roster?
Okay, I’ve received a lot of (very fair) shit for my mishandling of Bills receivers. More on that later ... But what kind of glass house do you have to live in for Drake Maye to be a team alongside Goff and Rodgers? Sure Goff is was an MVP candidate but Rodgers is an unfortunate relic of a thrilling yesteryear and Drake Maye is … well, he’s Drake Maye. He might be awesome and if this is a high-potential thing … sure. But let’s pump the brakes on dogging me benching Khalil Shakir if we’re holding roster spots for Patriots QBs who look like they are hungover from last night’s prom.
Anyways … “Days” was the model of consistency this weekend. Only one player scored more than 13 points (Brock Purdy, who will still be causing debate among anthropologists in the year 2130 on whether or not he can succeed without Shanahan, Kittle, and Deebo) but no player scored less than 10. This includes thrilling players like Jauan Jennings, TJ Hockenson, and Kareem “are we sure he just isn’t better than Pacheco?” Hunt. HE won the week despite just 13 points from Derrick Henry and Alvin Kamara, respectively, who are two of the best fantasy players this year. Is this just a simulated version of 2018?
But is he hot?
On draft night, Micah demonstrated comprehensive knowledge of the aesthetic hierarchy of white players in the NFL. After rigorous scholarship, he is prepared to defend his dissertation asserting Aiden O’Connell is the ugliest of the NFL’s caucasian offerings. This season, we endeavor to test this theory.
I am super happy for my furry buddy Joel. Near-unanimous winner. Go turn someone’s day around with a hug, big fella.
Now I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say that Daniel Jones is a quarterback, and by default, quarterbacks are never going to be the homeliest guys in the room. But take a good look at that picture.
Longer.
Not long enough. Again.
There. It doesn’t make any sense, right?
That’s a real picture. I took it straight from ESPN’s site code. It looks… wrong. It sort of looks like AI made it, but the AI was coded by whoever did the Dwayne Wade statue. The proportions of Daniel Jones’ head and neck features are structurally untenable. Not one part of him is the size it should be or in the right spot. Nothing is WAY off, but so MANY things are wrong that your brain is sounding alarm bells.
Hall the Right Moves vs. Gruden’s Grinders (142.8-113.9)
The Breece Hall experience has to just totally suck this year and De’Von Achane probably isn’t making it any bett—WAIT A MINUTE
GOOD GAWD THAT’S MAC JONES’ MUSIC!!!!
Who needs running backs when you’re playing against Mac Jones? 27 points from the Minnesota defense helped deliver Moves to a 30-point-ish win. I’m sure JJ has some numbers on most points by a defense but this expert will just tell you that 27 points is a lot by a defense. (Editor’s Note: I do! The Jacksonville defense scored 36 points in Week 5 of 2017. They had 2 sacks, five interceptions (two returned for TDs), and allowed 9 points and less than 300 yards. They scored 31 two weeks later when they had 10 sacks, a shutout, and allowed 136 total yards. I had them!)
Two picks and a fumble recovery against the inept Jacksonville Jaguars and we’re done here.
Quick aside - I went to the Jags vs. Chiefs playoff game two years ago. The Jaguars came into that game fucking ready to go. They hung with the Chiefs for three quarters, propelled by one of the best deep balls I’ve ever seen live, only to come up a bit short after a costly turnover while driving down 6. They seemed poised to be the next up-and-coming AFC team and then it just all went to shit. There are teams that tank in the NFL where you’re like, yep makes sense (see Watson, Deshaun) but the Jags are baffling to me. Lawrence’s decline especially. Other than the fact they’re the Jacksonville Jaguars and it makes perfect sense.
I need Gruden’s Grinders to give me the scouting report for starting Bo Nix over C.J. Stroud but it worked and I applaud the move. Thought Nix was awesome on Sunday, btw. He did everything you’re supposed to in that final drive including two big 3rd down throws only to have the entire Chiefs defense burst through the Broncos O-line on that field goal attempt like the goddamn Kool-Aid man.
Another fun part of these recaps is I learn about players I had no idea existed, despite watching a fair amount of football every weekend. J. Downs had 10 points which just sounds like a random running back for the Colts who would get you 10 points. (Editor’s Note: That is in fact Josh Downs, who is currently the #22 fantasy wide receiver on the year)
BBQ’d Gibbs vs. call an ambulance (99.3-78.1)
Chris’ fantasy teams remind me of the early 2000s Phoenix Suns. Every year I really like the squad, the philosophy, what they’re trying to do, but they always just flame out in glorious fashion. I once heard that Suns team called “critically acclaimed” and it’s fucking perfect. In this case, the Shawn Marion-esque Gibbs team prevailed over a decimated Lee despite her WRs, TE, and flex combining for 22 points.
Quick Baker thought. I’ve seen this in a few places but it needs to be a bigger deal. Baker Mayfield could be the quarterback of the Cleveland Browns right now on a decent deal. Everyone (rightfully) makes a huge deal of the atrocity that is the Watson trade, but lost in that is the fact they just cut Mayfield loose to get him. I know two people from Cleveland and both would shove Baker out of the way of an oncoming train and sacrifice themselves to protect him. Another young QB who went into Arrowhead and almost stole a playoff game btw. The fact that Baker is putting up numbers on this throwaway Bucs team hamstrung by injuries is a testament to the fact he’s just a good QB. I’m not saying he’s Mahomes/Jackson/Allen but put him on the Browns the last two years and they are a wild card team and not a laughing stock. And that’s BEFORE YOU GET TO THE BROWNS MORTGAGING THEIR FUTURE FOR WATSON. Anyway, I know he only had 116 and a TD this week, but you just need to see that drive versus the Chiefs in driving rain with no timeouts to know Baker’s moment will come.
This matchup featured less touchdowns (four) than interceptions thrown by Jared Goff on Sunday night (five). Much has been made of just how bleak Lee’s fantasy season is but oh my god I’m now looking and this is so bleak. Lee also happens to be one of my favorite people and not just because I know what city and state he lives in compared to everyone else in this league.
Let’s just move on.
(Editor’s note: NOPE. We will not. Lee now has the worst start in league history at 0-10. Obviously he’s four losses from shooting the moon (another record), and that would tie the longest losing streak ever at 14 games (Chris from Week 10 of 2021 to Week 9 of 2022). But this week, he has more records to accumulate! If he loses to Micah he ties Munson for the longest single-season losing streak at 11, and there’s more after that. Each week, new fun stuff!)
Kicker watch!
I heard an insane thing involving the Cowboys and Jerry Jones the other weekend. I realize you can say that every single moment of every single day, but this involves Brandon Aubrey. He is the only functional thing about the Cowboys currently, and thus you would imagine he would be taken care of. But no. You see Jerry is old and insane, and will always put the Cowboys brand over the Cowboys players. This is why he lets tour groups go through the stadium and in areas where players go WHILE THEY ARE THERE. They see them limping and getting shots at shit. These tours go every 20 minutes. Not distracting at all.
It’s also why he rents out stadium spaces, because the brand means he can charge a lot to host events. Which leads us back to Aubrey. Since he was unable to be with the team due to jury duty, he couldn’t get his usual reps in during the week. So he would come to the stadium at night to get his work in once court was over. TWO TIMES, he was unable to practice kicking because Jones had rented out the practice field for other shit. One of them was a school dance. Imagine you are the NFL’s best kicker, leading point-scorer, and your team’s only hope, and your owner makes it impossible for you to practice because it’s more important little Jasper gets to grind on Sarah and hope his boner doesn’t get noticed. Brandon Aubrey deserves better.
UN-BEAR-ABLE vs. Fat Cats (156.3-143.9)
Justin Weekly High Score
On one hand, I gotta give it up to any team that has Ja’Marr Chase and Saquon. A nuclear performance from Chase in particular delivered “BEAR” to a solid victory over a strong CATS team. Drafting the only good thing going for the Giants (Nabers) and signing on for another Cousins year where he inevitably will throw for 5,000 yards en route to throwing a 3-yard-out route on 4th and 5 in the playoffs is a sign of a guy who knows what he’s doing.
On the other hand, this whole Bears thing is a great bit but my man now has a legit shot to win this league. I think we’re all set on Kmet and Moore given the Bears offensive line and just in general that they are Chicago Bears. Before all the Bears fans (I think y’all are Bears fans?) come at me … fear not. I like Caleb. This is a victim of circumstance. Hoping that circumstance changes but until it does, I’m out on all of it. QBs are 50% circumstance, 50% talent and all that other stuff. Put 2019 Mahomes on the Jets and he could have been Mark Sanchez. Put him in KC with Andy Reid and he’s Mahomes. Caleb’s got the worst of it here too because everyone kept saying how he has “the best weapons” but forgot to mention any of the other stuff. Like, the guys who make sure you don’t get destroyed every weekend.
Anyway, I’m now over here seeing Burrow had 36 and Chase had 65 leading me to ask: has a QB-WR duo ever combined for 100 points on the same fantasy team? That’s probably a tough one to research but even tougher is the Bengals doing all of that just to lose to Ravens again.
Can’t Bear It
Did Justin start a Chicago Bear when he shouldn’t have?
Feels good to be back.
Who was it?
D’Andre Swift, running back for the Chicago Bears
Who should he have started in his place?
James Cook
How many points did it cost him?
8
Examination
Justin almost dodged it. He wisely, WISELY, sat most of his Bears. But not all of his Bears. D’Andre Swift, running back for the Chicago Bears, got the nod against the Patriots. New England stacks the box at the fourth-highest rate in the NFL and sends the fifth-most blitzes.
James Cook, on the other hand, was playing the Colts. The Colts allow the third-most rushing yards per game, and have allowed the most runs of 10+ yards in the NFL.
Decisions, decisions.
Season impact:
70.7 lost points
Dangerous Nights Crew vs. 2024 Charbonnet (104.6-91.5)
Ah, yes. My nightmare.
I’m too lazy to look up my record versus Steve in the last ten years but it’s approximately 52-0 (Editor’s Note: It is actually 7-7. Kyle has lost the last two). Dude owns me in fantasy. And you know what? It’s fair. His teams are better. He knows what he’s doing. I still don’t think we make a big enough deal about what he did last year in this league, to this league. Legendary stuff.
Imagine my delight though this year. I’ve got an up-and-coming squad with multiple options at all positions. The most exciting young QB in the league and a chip on my shoulder after just an inordinate amount of shit-talking by the commish (excellent shit-talking). He’s in a down year, snake-bitten by injuries all over the place. His reign over me will end. I was ready. (Kyle has never at any point had a losing record against Steve. He started off 3-0 against him, and has never gone below .500)
Until I wasn’t.
This receiver thing will be the end of me. Guys, I don’t know what to do. Yes, the Watson pick last week was dumb and watching Zay Flowers finally score a touchdown three touchdowns wasn’t very fun at all. Less fun is the 5 points he scored in a brakes-out shootout on Thursday night. Meanwhile, my guy Ladd McConkey whose real name is Ladd McConkey, threw up 6 points and here we are. My receivers are so frustrated with the roster management that they’ve just stopped playing. Nico Collins was supposed to be back and was like, nah, I’m good. Same for Keon Coleman.
Even after all that, the rock of my 2024 fantasy team, Kyren Williams, could prevail and score 20 points on Mond —--- Kyren fumbles and we’re done.
Losing to Steve is fine though because he loves me and respects me and wishes nothing but the best for me.
This has been fun. Until next time.
