You know those nights where you find yourself in that particularly strange no-man’s land between being tired enough to go to bed but too lazy to make the trip? You’re there on your couch, everyone else is asleep, you’re not doing anything of value, but you’re stuck in a self-perpetuating loop of mindless activity. You tell yourself you’ll go to bed after the end of this episode, then you end up reading something, then you see a movie you like is on for the next hour and you watch that even though you’ve seen it before.

I was in one of those modes and right as I reached the point where vegetation gives way to self-loathing (usually around 1 a.m.), I came across Brewster’s Millions.

If you haven’t seen it, Richard Pryor plays a minor league pitcher named in the will of a very wealthy deceased relative who has left $300 million up for grabs. He is given two options in the will:

1) Take $1 million now, and the rest will be overseen by executors and distributed to businesses, charities, and the like

2) Take a challenge- $30 million now, but he has to spend it all in 30 days. If he does, he gets the full $300 million

Option 2 comes with very specific rules. At the end of 30 days, he cannot possess anything of value that he does not already have before the start of the challenge. This goes for anything he buys and gives to someone else (he can’t buy a mansion and give it to a buddy). He cannot destroy anything of value that he purchases (like paintings, cars, rare wine, etc.). He can only give 5% to charity, only gamble 5% of it, and any person he “hires” must perform verifiable services. So he can’t just pay someone $10 million to be a “consultant” and then have them sit around. He also is not allowed to give any of the money away (charity notwithstanding. He can’t just hand the money to a neighbor or take bags of cash and leave them on the street). Oh, and he’s not allowed to tell anyone in his life about the deal. All they see is him blowing through insane cash like a maniac.

I began watching this just for the entertainment value of Pryor and was happy to maintain my mindless stasis, but quickly found myself fascinated by the premise and curious about how to pull it off.

LET’S BEGIN

To make this more fun, let’s adjust it for 2024 and add one rule. First, inflation adjustments. Brewster’s Millions was made in 1985. $30 million in 1985 is worth $87.6 million in today’s dollars. So that’s a bit more challenging. But the reward is now $876 million. Also, the first option is adjusted to a one-off payment of $2.97 million. So now you know where you stand.

Which brings us to the added rule: You can only spend up to 10% of it with any one company/person. This is important because you have to get more detailed. If you decide to rent out an entire hotel for example, once you reach that 10% threshold, you can’t give the parent company any more money. So let’s say you rent out every room in every Ritz Carlton in the country. If that gets you to 10% or near it, you can’t then rent out every W Hotel room in the country, because Marriott owns them both. It’s up to you to know parent companies. They won’t stop you from spending money, you’ll just be informed afterward that you violated the rule and thus forfeited the fortune.

And hey, while we are at it, let’s shorten this timeframe from 30 days to 15. It’s my pointless hypothetical, so I am God.

That’s your challenge- spend $87.6 million in 15 days, with the aforementioned restrictions in place. If you do, you get nearly a billion dollars. If you fail, you get nothing and everything gets reset back to where it was before you started (charity included).

First question: Do you go for the challenge or take the $2.97 million, leaving the other $873 million behind?

Second question: If you take the challenge (which, of course you did), what’s your plan?

Here’s mine:

The gambling rule makes it much harder because Vegas was literally designed for this. What better place to go in this situation? It’s engineered to encourage unlimited spending at light speed, and I could probably lose the whole 87 million if I was trying to win. I leave Vegas with absolutely nothing all the time. I don’t see why it would change now.

But I can only gamble $4.38 million, so let’s save that for funsies at the end. I think the first thing you knock out is the charity, because I imagine there’s paperwork involved and transfers need to be approved, etc. I don’t want my lack of attention to detail to bone me, so I’m getting after it. To help make a dent, I will pay someone to manage that for me. $8.76 million (10% limit) to them to make sure all $4.38 million of my charity money gets fully donated in two weeks. I could pay a bunch of people to do that to eat up more of my cash, but more people means more chances for mistakes. Can’t risk missing the deadline.

Then I thought about paying off a bunch of people’s medical or student loan debt, but that would either be giving the money away or more charity. Even if I bought up the debt and just didn’t collect, the debt would be considered an appreciable asset that I own, and thus violate the rules.

All that thinking made me tired, and I’ve only spent $13 million, so I need to spend a lot and give myself a break. It’s time for travel.

First I am going to Bora-Bora, because I want to and because it is very expensive. The most expensive place to stay in that country is the Four Seasons Resort Bora-Bora, and the most expensive booking there is $35,985 per night once you select the package with the personal butler, private chef, and “a dedicated team that takes care of every detail for you.” Plus there’s a 10% resort fee and a 5% service charge, so now we are really cooking. But I’m not going alone, no no. I’m putting an open call to all my friends and family- come one come all. It’s an all-expenses paid trip to Bora Bora! Luxury villas for everyone! There appears to be only one villa that hits that number, but several others come in at $22,000.

I hit a bit of a snag when I tried to see how much I could spend on accommodations because the website doesn’t allow you to book more than four rooms at once. If you want to do that, you have to call. The number you have to call is (689) 40 603 170, and the person you have to speak to is named Kara. I know this because that’s precisely what I did. Thanks to WhatsApp, Kara and I were connected without pesky international charges. After briefly considering an elaborate game of make-em-ups, I decided to come clean. I said I was researching something for a piece I’m writing (haHHAAAaaaaaaa) and needed to know how many villas were available at any given time, how many I could book at once, and what the cost would be if I booked them for all a week. Kara kindly explained that the rates would vary based on time of year, and I kindly explained that in the particular scenario in my piece (haaaaahhhaaaa), the person could not be certain when they’d need to book. It would be very short notice. She pulled together an estimation based on the maximum of eight villas (which would be good for roughly 45 people) and their varying prices and arrived at 219,000 and change per night, plus $35,000 for the fees. So for seven nights, we’ve hit $1.7 million in accommodations. That’s good, but not the 10% threshold I was hoping for. So while I had her, I figured I would lean on Kara’s institutional knowledge.

“Could a person” I asked, “were they so inclined, spend another $7 million if they never left the resort? Could they spend all of it in-house?”

Kara paused for some time, and just when I thought she was going to ask me questions about what “publication” this was for, said, “That… would not be a problem.” She said it in a tone that made me VERY curious about what kind of freaky shit was on tap at the Bora-Bora Four Seasons. What kind of à la carte debauchery are we talking about here?

It’s mainly just a lot of dining, spas and other experiences, but I’m sure there’s some darker fare as well. Plus Kara said there are a couple other accommodations that are “considerably” more expensive than the one I found, and they are not listed. When I asked how much those cost, she said she was “not at liberty to divulge that,” but I was free to come find out if I was in the neighborhood. I asked her if that felt as cool to say as it did to hear, she laughed and said yes, I thanked her and we parted ways. So we have another $8.76 milly covered. I wish I could tip Kara that amount in addition, but she was working in her capacity as a Four Seasons rep, so technically she wasn’t working for me, and I can’t give the money away.

Another $8.76M is knocked out by us getting there, thanks to our friends at Paramount Business Jets. Their highest-end rentals cost up to $23,000+ per hour of flight time. I registered with them so I could get an estimate (My name is Jared Neelan and I work at Mastercard), and a roundtrip flight from St. Louis to Bora-Bora is $408,738 - $484,867 if I choose their VIP luxury jet option.

A VIP airliner is like a flying palace; everything you could ever need while in the air is right at your fingertips. A few perks are:

Executive seats
Bedroom suites
Bathrooms with walk-in showers
Full bar and dining areas
Custom inflight catering and services
Telecommunications equipment

Sounds great to me! They have 10 of those aircraft available. Given that I am guessing I’ll get enough takers for the trip to warrant multiple jets, I’m gonna go ahead and book the whole roster. In addition to the trip to Bora-Bora, I will pay to send the jets to whatever city a person wants to depart from to pick them up, as well as drop them off. That covers it.

So all told we have $30.66 million gone and I haven’t gambled yet. I thought about spending the rest putting on a music festival, but since I only have 15 days to work with, I wouldn’t be able to put it together in time. Plus, even if I earmarked that money for the festival, unless it was all spent by the deadline, it wouldn’t count. Same with booking a private concert- there’s no guarantee I could get someone on that short of notice, especially if we have to negotiate, and major artists charge more than $8.76, which is my limit.

So in an effort to speed things along, I looked up the most expensive meal in the world. It’s served by a Danish Michelin-starred chef named Rasmus Munk, and you eat it in a huge balloon that travels to the edge of space.

Cool.

While tickets for that start at $495,000, there are only six seats available. Even if I offer double the money, I don’t hit my mark. Plus, this one-off dinner won’t happen until 2025, and I don’t really want to fuck with space or be trapped in a balloon with a self-serious chef named Rasmus Munk for six hours.

Just when I started to get frustrated, I struck gold.

I was watching the Cowboys game and thinking about how it was cool that that game was outside in Pittsburgh because despite how shitty the contest was, the setting felt very important. Not like AT&T Stadium, I thought. That’s just a monument to greeee———ooooohhh I got it.

Jerry’s World, y’all. I’ll host a tournament at the Jerry Dome. What kind of tournament? A video game tournament. Championship matches are played on that big, honkin’ ass screen over midfield. It came together so quickly in my mind.

I call up Jerry’s people and tell them I want to pay $8.76 million to rent out the stadium for four hours. I don’t care how insane that sounds, Jerry Jones isn’t turning down that much money. I tell them to pick whatever time and day between now and my deadline, and I’ll take it. I also say I’ll pay for security for the event ($8.76 to Dallas’ best security firm). To make sure everything works as it’s supposed to, I’ll hire an event electronics company to make sure all the audio video is set up correctly (for $8.76 million), and they can hook up all the TVs and N64s I buy for the tournament as well as make sure the big screen works. We are playing Super Smash Bros 64, three lives, no items. The good shit.

I’ll put the call out on the internet that the first 50 people to respond are in, grand prize of $8.76 million. I’ll pay for all their air travel with first-class tickets and rent out every room at the Omni Hotel in Dallas to make sure they have a place to sleep. The gear, flights, and hotel is another million easy, and another 8.76 goes to a catering company so we can eat. I’ll also pay $8.76 million to a local travel agency to arrange the travel of all these people on short notice. After the winner is paid out, that leaves me with $3.38 million. NOW I can go to Vegas. I just have to make sure I’m not comped after losing all that money.

So there you have it. I took a roundabout way to get there, but I did it. Think you can do better?

Villian Corner:

In celebration of our own villains, this week Chris for putting up a season-high with only three discernable NFL players, each dispatch we will take a moment to appreciate a great villain from entertainment history.

Zebadiah Killgrave AKA The Purple Man

Marvel has long had a villain problem. There’s a reason Thanos got all the love he did- he was the first Big Bad that actually posed a significant threat and didn’t get wrapped up by the end of the movie. Also, depending on who you ask, he had some really great points.

But largely, the Marvel bad guys are fairly uninteresting, easily beatable, and there to be plot engines.

That’s why it’s such a shame the studio decided to quietly roll out what is unquestionably its best villain to date in a Netflix show where he lasted one season.

Killgrave is the primary antagonist of Jessica Jones Season One and, as played by David Tenant, will go down as one of the most overlooked evil screen characters of this young century.

There are three parts of what makes him terrifying. Part one is his power, which is mind control. While limited in range and time, he can make anyone anywhere do anything he wants. They are powerless to say no, even if it’s an act of violence or self-harm. Worse still, the people he controls remember what they do.

He uses this for horrible things that are small (forcing a man who upset him to pour scalding hot coffee on his own face), medium (commanding a man to leave his small child on the side of the road so he can drive Killgrave around for a few days, or telling a man to put his head through a post so that he smashes his own face into it over and over), and big (having a roomful of people put nooses around their necks commit suicide as an escape distraction or having his own mom repeatedly and fatally stab herself with scissors).

While he’s doing all this the victims are aware that they’re being compelled to do it, and worse, the people around them are powerless to stop it and know they will be just as helpless if he decides to focus his attention on them. Imagine watching someone stab themself to death and you can’t make them stop, then being told “now, pick up the scissors.” That is horrifying shit.

Now that the consequences of his power are established, we move on to part two, his psyche. If you, as you are now, were granted these powers tomorrow, I’m sure you would love them. I know I would. And sure, we’d probably do some things we shouldn’t, like get things for free or cut in line, or compel people who have conversations on speakerphone in public to throw their phone in the garbage. But we wouldn’t outright harm or traumatize anyone- or at least not innocent people. This is because we are fully-formed adults who have learned empathy and right and wrong and have established damaging good people to further our agendas doesn’t feel all that great.

Even people doing things you want feels better when it’s their choice, not you compelling them to do it. But Killgrave got these powers as a child. And anyone who has been around a child knows, a big part of them not growing up to be an asshole is them learning that just because they want something doesn’t mean that thing happens. They need to know that sometimes their desires must come second, empathy has value, and indifference has consequences.

But Killgrave didn’t have to learn that. His parents abandoned him when they realized he could control them, and thus came of age using his powers to survive. He never needed empathy, compassion, patience, or morality, so he never developed them. Things would be better for him if they were this way, so he made that reality. At one point he even admits that he does not comprehend consent, because he can’t differentiate between someone doing something because he asked them to or because he made them simply by wanting it when he asked. He doesn’t understand friendship or love, either. We have to earn affection, support, and loyalty. He doesn’t, nor does he have to value it since it’s infinitely replaceable.

Imagine giving a five-year-old complete control over anyone they want at any time, and that’s the only version of life they know. Then, their desires are simple and the consequences are small. But when they grow up with instant gratification and control over everyone, there are no limiters on impulse or morality when their desires become bigger and the consequences more dire.

Which brings us to part three of why Killgrave is scary as shit: He has no grand plan. He doesn’t want ultimate power or to remake the universe. He doesn’t care about wealth. He just wants to do whatever he wants whenever he wants, and to be in control of every situation. A villain with a clear plan can be stopped, or at least controlled because their actions are always in service of that plot. They can be disrupted, or satisfied with minor progress. Their threat is to the people in the vicinity of that mission, whatever it is. But Killgrave has no central path he’s walking. He has nothing he’s seeking. Everyone is in danger because he could just so happen to be in the grocery store with them that day and decide to make them bite their own tongue off. There’s no trap to set, because there is no cheese. He can’t be caught, because he can will his captors to set him free. There’s no amount of strength, intelligence, or weaponry that can beat him saying “don’t do that.”

Ultimately, his biggest motivator is that he wants Jessica, and he believes they are meant to be together. He believes this because after controlling her for years, he finally stopped for a few seconds, and she was so mentally broken she didn’t flee. He took this as proof she chose to stay with him, so when she got away later, he endeavored to prove she would choose him again. Of course, he does this by putting innumerable people in harm’s way as coercion, and never fully grasps why that’s wrong. Having a group of people hold razor blades to their own throats and saying “have dinner with me or they’ll kill themselves” isn’t exactly a grand romantic gesture, it’s goddamn psychotic. But he genuinely cannot tell the difference, and that’s why he works so well as a villain.

SEASON POWER RANKINGS

Using all the info at hand for the current season (points, points against, averages, schedule, roster depth) here are our league power rankings through 2 weeks

HTML Table

Rank	Team	Score	Change
#1	Justin Childs	95.67	--
#2	Kyle Luke	94.03	--
#3	Micah Thoman	90.69	↑1
#4	Chris Bailey	82.25	↑5
#5	Ryan Munson	81.72	↑6
#6	Steve Keers	75.30	↑4
#7	Andres Santana	73.25	↓-2
#8	JJ Bailey	66.08	↓-4
#9	Will Armistead	65.17	↓-1
#10	Andrew DeWitt	64.26	↓-4
#11	Jimmy Slater	63.06	↓-4
#12	Lee Morehouse	56.03	---

PLAYOFF ODDS

HTML Table

Team	Odds	Change
Micah Thoman	74.60%	↑
Justin Childs	74.60%	↑
Kyle Luke	74.60%	↑
Andres Santana	50.00%	↓
Ryan Munson	50.00%	↑
JJ Bailey	25.40%	↓
Jimmy Slater	25.40%	↓
Steve Keers	25.40%	↑
Will Armistead	25.40%	↓
Andrew DeWitt	25.40%	↓
Chris Bailey	25.40%	↑
Lee Morehouse	1.95%	↓

THE

GAMES

THE GAMES

Justin Vs. Andres (183.9-117.6)

Justin Weekly High Score

Well, wouldn’t you know it? Turns out pre-snap motion and lining up DJ Moore all over the field unlocks the Bears’ offense! What bright mind could have seen such things? I’m not at all convinced Shane Waldron came up with any of the scheme changes on his own. I am convinced that it was written about enough times by enough people that on one of the many occasions he was browsing the internet looking for deals on quarter zip pullovers, he stumbled his way across some very obvious solutions to his problem and jotted them down.

While I refuse to credit Waldron with anything, and the Rams and Panthers aren’t exactly world-beating defenses, it’s clear Chicago finally got the message. In back-to-back games they’ve not only fixed the obvious stuff, they’ve kicked up the pace to a speed that prevents defenses from organizing house pass rushes every goddamn snap. The Chicago offense is now second in no-huddle rate, seventh in seconds per play, and third in total offensive plays run per game. You know who is tops in no-huddle? Washington. Turns out, keeping things fast and allowing your athletic QB to use instinct instead of prescribed progressions helps out a rookie!

The result was Justin getting to cash in on the back pay DJ Moore owed him through the first four weeks. He also defied the gods and stared directly at D’Andre Swift, running back for the Chicago Bears, and was improbably rewarded with an excellent fantasy day. I’ll say it’s a good thing Swift can catch, because he ran the ball 21 times and only got 73 yards. He picked up 47 on two catches. More passing less running, I say. In fairness to D’Andre Swift, running back for the Chicago Bears, he is owed another touchdown by his line, since the illegal shift penalty erased his score in the second quarter. Luckily Roschon Johnson was there to get his sloppy seconds. I’m sure that won’t happen more than once.

The Ravens/Bengals game was absolutely awesome for Andres, since it turned into a shootout and Lamar went bonkers. Andres got 34.5 from him, which was completely wiped off the ledger thanks to Ja’Marr Chase. Did you know Chase has 10 touchdown catches of more than 60 yards? Only one other player in NFL history had that many under age 25- Harlon Hill in the 1950s. On a related note, I just put a $45 bid on Harlon Hill. According to Next Gen Stats, on his 63-yard TD, Chase was projected to have 1.5 yards after the catch. Instead, he got 50. Justin thanks him.

Unfortunately for Andres, Lamar’s Herculean effort didn't inspire anyone else on his roster to follow suit. I don’t know what the fuck is happening in Atlanta, but that offense has turned Bijan Robinson into a replacement-level running back. The Falcons have 11 touchdowns on the season and Bijan has one of them. He’s been outgained by the likes of JK Dobbins, Chuba Hubbard, Rhamondre Stevenson, and James Connor. Jayden Daniels has more rushing yards. I keep waiting for the power to come back on.

This is Justin’s second time leading the league in scoring, and he could have joined the 200 Club were it not for one mistake.

If you’re wondering, the 200 Club is comprised of:

Lee: 229 in Week 3 of 2019 Vs. Chris

Steve : 217.4 in Week 8 of 2023 Vs. Munson

Kyle : 203.3 in Week 3 of 2020 against Chris

Will : 200 in Week 5 of 2019 Vs. Justin

Chris and Micah are both outside looking in with games of 198.8 points, and Will almost made it twice with a 197.4 pointer.

But Justin would have etched his name in history alongside those titans were it not for something I will cover in our new segment:

Can’t Bear It

**Did Justin start a Chicago Bear when he shouldn’t have?**
Yes.
**Who was it?**
Cole Kmet
**Who should he have started in his place?**
Darnell Mooney
**How many points did it cost him?**
21.8

Examination

If George Kittle is in at the flex position, he should certainly be in the TE spot, not the flex. He is a better fantasy TE than Kmet. That would mean that the flex would be free for a WR, which is extremely valuable, especially if that receiver is number two on a pass-happy team. Justin went another, more Bearsy direction.

Previous iterations of this include Week 4 when he started Kmet over Kittle (-8.1), and Week 2 when he started D’Andre Swift, running back for the Chicago Bears, over Malik Nabers (-19.5).

Season impact:

49.4 lost points

Kyle Vs. DeWitt (133.7-104.2)

Here’s a sentence I bet you never thought you’d hear: Kyle should have played Trevor Lawrence over Jayden Daniels. Now, let’s be clear- Kyle absolutely should NOT have played Trevor Lawrence over Jayden Daniels. I wouldn’t play peak Peyton Manning over Daniels right now. But somehow that cro-magnon-looking goon threw for 371 yards and two touchdowns and outscored the coolest player on earth. I don’t know how Daniels only had 19.2. Every time I looked up he was making a sick-ass throw or scrambling so effectively it looked like he had four legs. I want NFL RedZone but just for Jayden Daniels. Not limited to football games either. I want to watch him do laundry and flip pancakes. Let me see how handles Ikea on a Saturday. Can you imagine him on a grocery run? I bet his route through the store is efficient as hell. His vision in the aisle has to be fucking elite. Avoids contact, wheels always pointed forward. I’d pay $25 a month for that channel.

Depite Daniels looking cool, he couldn’t really save this matchup in terms of entertainment value. Kyle got by with a SHOCKING 17.5 points from Zay Flowers, who got a season-high 12 targets after a two-week nationwide search for the man. Every time he caught a pass the announcers were like, “And that’s what we’ve come to expect from Flowers! Everyone knows he’s electric!”

Have we come to expect that? Is he electric? The guy had six targets over his last two games and totaled 30 yards receiving. Against Kansas City in Week 1 he caught six passes for 37 yards. I mean, those are technically electric numbers relative to the fan in Row 8, but there’s a reason we don’t use potato batteries to power our houses.

But apparently Kyle had come to expect the high-voltage stylings of Zay Flowers, and boldly started him because all his other options were hurt.

Nico Collins hurt his hamstring on his weekly 250-yard catch, but had the courtesy to cross the goal line with the ball before leaving the game. The rest was a matter of course (Kyren scored a TD, ho hum), and that would be enough for Kyle to move to a comfortable 4-1.

Tyreek Hill remains objectively useless, and Miami is in the season from absolute hell. Seriously, look at Mike McDaniel.

Dude is aging like a wartime president. When he picked that whole vibe to present himself as the quirky new young coach, he didn’t consider how it would all look when they are getting their asses kicked.

A lot less “offbeat cool” and a lot more “I have been doing coke since 7 p.m. yesterday and left my phone in the Uber on the way in,” kind of feel these days.

DeWitt’s Home For Wayward and Unwanted Running Backs continued its mission of rehabilitation, taking in Tyrone Tracy Jr. and molding him into a 15.5-point member of the fantasy society. He, along with fellow graduate of the program Chuba Hubbard, was the highlight of the day for the team.

Newly-acquired Josh Allen looked awful and is almost certainly concussed. Terry McLaurin went down short of the endzone on his big catch, and Tank Dell decided to quit playing when Nico did. Even the mighty Jake Moody couldn’t help, because he foolishly tried to get in the mix and make a tackle on a kick return.

Dude what are you doing? You do not belong in such places. Look how easily you were removed as an obstacle. Stay your ass far away from this kind of trouble.

Brandon Aubrey knows this:

That’s the form right there. Don’t even put those hands out.

Steve Vs. JJ (118.6-97.1)

Make it 14-5 all time. Even with Steve trotting out Cam Akers, Tee Higgins, Dalton Kincaid and the like, I knew hard times were coming for ol’ Dusty Rhodes.

At a certain point, a franchise just loses belief when facing a certain team. Knicks and the Bulls, Bills and the Chiefs, Red Sox and the Yankees until 2004. So despite being projected to win by 20 on paper, I could sense trouble on the line.

Akers and Higgins had their season highs (by a mile for Higgins), so even when Steve’s best players took a dive it didn’t help me. Of course, my boys played down to expectations, turning in clunkers pretty much across the board. Robinson’s 13.8 and Conner’s 13 were bright spots, except if you dig deeper you’ll see BRJ had TWO TOUCHDOWNS. 12 of his 13.8 points were TDs. He scored twice and somehow managed to have a terrible day. Hilariously, the only guy who didn’t wildly underperform was Mark Andrews, who obliterated his season high with 7.5 points. He could have had more, but he tripped over Mark Andrews on the two yard line and the TD went to third-string TE Charlie Kolar.

Now I could have helped myself by not fucking up my flex yet again, but I really don’t think it matters. Yes, had I not changed from Thomas to Wicks, I would have won. But you’re only looking at the math. You must consider the bigger forces at play. I cannot beat Steve. The universe will not allow it, and desires to make each loss painful in a unique way. This time it chose the “One Wrong Decision” card, and so I have to know it was my choice that cost me.

Had I played Thomas instead of Wicks, it also would have been wrong. The players don’t matter, you see. The card dictates that I make a critically incorrect move, therefore I must do so. I obliged, and the universe spared reality itself from a fiery end. See you next year when I have to trade Steve a player a week before he breaks an NFL record against me. (Speaking of, we have a new fastest play! Brian Thomas Jr. reached 22.15 MPH on his breakaway TD. Only guy to hit 22 this season)

The good thing for Steve is that after he shooed Josh Allen away, he picked up another Josh Allen! Caleb Williams, a very good and very exciting QB prospect, had the type of games those guys usually have around this point in their first season (Daniels excepted). It’s the game where they transition from believing they can translate all their good shit to the NFL to finally doing it. He’ll still have plenty of bad games, but with each good one that $5 keeper cost will get better and better. And ironically, the numbers actually support Steve. While the Bears offense is doing all that good stuff I mentioned up there, Buffalo is doing the opposite. They are bottoming out in speed, plays per game and pass rate, and Josh Allen’s floor games are lower than they ever have been. Maybe an investment in Williams was actually the smarter move. I look forward to Justin trading 6 players for him in Week 10.

Also Big Swingin’ Kick rules. I wasn’t even mad when he rattled off two 50-yarders against me. I was cheering for him to make the game-winner. I don’t know why but I think he’s my favorite player.

Isaiah Likely Value Tracker:

Acquisition cost: $53

Points since acquisition: 22.4

Exchange rate: $1 = .42 fantasy points

BIG movement in the markets this weekend.

Munson Vs. Lee (128-115.5)

Lee very publicly chose to play for next season in an effort to give his brain some breathing room ahead of incoming life upheaval, and fantasy football damn near tried to drag him back in. He needed a kicker and Chris Olave to cover 15 points on MNF. That’s extremely doable, likely even, unless you are Lee in 2024.

Olave got two points, and that was it. NOLA never attempted a field goal, and the kicker went halfsies on his XPs, so it was a wash. In a season where kickers are scoring the most they’ve ever scored, Lee cannot find one to save his life. He’s dead last in the league at points from the position with 15.9. That’s not an average. That’s a season total. 15.9 points combined.

Three kickers scored more than that this week.

Crawling out of an 0-5 hole to start the season is hard, if not impossible work under the best of circumstances. Doing it while managing a fresh-ass baby along with a toddler is not the best of circumstances, and so he is wandering into the fantasy seas never to be seen again.

Lee, before you go- Any chance I could get the Minnesota Defense?

I want to have them. I need to have them. I think about them all the time.

That’s because the Minnesota defense has a secret weapon named “The Van Ginkel.” Crafted in a Nordic laboratory buried deep in the Scandinavian Mountains, the Van Ginkel is comprised of elements of unknown provenance. It takes the shape of a man, but is so much more than that. It demands the gaze even as it stuns the eyes.

- What Jermaine Eluemunor (#72) is hearing in his head in that photo

The Van Ginkel has been used in several previous theaters of war, though never to its full potential. A weapon of such elegant power requires calculation and subtlety. Its design is perfect and thus requires the user to adapt. Miami did not treat such a weapon with respect, instead opting to augment it in service of ghoulish displays of power.

Attaching two extra appendages was wholly unnecessary and easily detectable, especially because they did not match the originals

But in Minnesota, a general is finally using The Van Gingkel correctly. By building battle formations around his mighty weapon, Brian Flores has unlocked its true power his second time around. The Van Ginkel has destroyed opposing offenses thus far, stopping their advances and striking blows to their headquarters.

It has more touchdowns than Tyreek Hill, Travis Kelce, Davante Adams , Josh Jacobs and Bijan Robinson. It made Aaron Rodgers look like a silly little boy

I love The Van Ginkel and I hope it will soon be mine.

Munson does not possess such a weapon, though he had a fine week from most of his players. Kyle Pitts even got him 12.3 points, which seems impossible. Up until Thursday, Pitts looked like absolute dog shit. Not just in the stat line, but to the eye. He quit on routes, he was sloppy on everything, and he looked like he was in the same mindset as Lee is right now. But there he was putting up double digits after everyone thought he was dead.

Also I keep forgetting that Rhamondre Stevenson is actually really good when he hangs onto the ball. He was ceremoniously benched because he was on a 17-fumble pace, but responded by immediately ripping off a huge touchdown run and looking way better than anything in a New England jersey has a right to look. Rhamondre Stevenson and Rachaad White are the same person to me, and that person is BenJarvus Green-Ellis. I need to separate Stevenson out from that hive. He’s better than that.

Kicker watch!

Honestly what better stat than the one above? Lee got 15.9 points out of his kicker slot over the first five weeks of the season combined. A kicker has scored more than that in a single week 14 times already this season, including the one Lee started this week. Of course he did that in Week 1 when Lee didn’t have him.

Micah Vs. Will (155.5-103.6)

Sometimes, the miracles come.

Facing a deficit of 30 points after the TNF game, Micah called in all his chits with the fantasy gods and the result was him having this thing wrapped up by dinner time Sunday.

The good things just kept happening. A Kyler Murray 50-yard TD run. A 66-yard touchdown reception for Tucker Kraft. Jayden Reed catching a 55-yard bomb and kindly going down at the one so Josh Jacobs could run it in for a score. Another Tucker Kraft TD. Derrick Henry snapping off a 50-yarder on his final carry of the game. The Bears offense finally giving their defense time to rest so they could eat Andy Dalton alive. Hell, the gods tossed in a Rico Dowdle 18.4-point game (making him this week’s RB 1!) just in case Micah needed a spare.

Every time Will looked up, his opponent had gotten another improbably fortuitous play, and something bad was happening on his side of the ledger. Can Dionte Johnson have a bad week while the Bears defense thrives? Sure can. Can Trey McBride bobble a TD catch while Tucker Kraft sets the world on fire? Of course. DK Metcalf can fumble and Aaron Rodgers can kill offensive drives by doing something he’s never done in his career (two first-quarter picks). Dak can turn the ball over three times while Kyler Murray puts up RB1 rushing numbers, too. All those things can happen in the same week. The odds of that week being when Will is playing Micah? That’s Pixie Magic right there. Micah has the juice this season, and is halfway to that magic playoff number of eight wins.

However over his next four games, he only plays one team against which he has a winning record. Jimmy and Chris both own their all-time series with him, and he’s .500 against DeWitt. He has the edge on Andres, but it’s narrow at 11-10 over their 21 meetings. This will be a crucial stretch and should put the magic to the test.

As for Mr. Armistead, he is cursed with the burden of too many can’t-not-start-him players. These are different from guys you start. Those guys are just in the lineup without a thought. Can’t not-start-hims are guys that are in the lineup most if not all weeks, but the chief reason is you don’t want to miss out if they pop, not because you trust them.

Example: The Jets have looked horrible but Breece Hall is still averaging 12.2 points a week. He had scores of 15, 20, 16 in the first three games. Despite two sub-six performances, you can’t not start him. DK Metcalf has two games of less than six points as well, but games of 31 and 26. Can’t not start him. Brandon Aiyuk did not exist for four weeks of football, but reminded everyone why he got paid and put up 147 yards in Week 5. That’s the kind of guy who can win you a week. Can’t not start him. Same with Dionte Johnson, same with Dak Prescott.

Having a can’t-not-start-him or two is fine. They are usually the secret sauce on a roster who make it so no weekly score is out of reach. When they boom, you are eating and so you’re ok with the risk of a bust. The problem comes when you have mostly those guys. Then it’s a blood pressure killer. Having too many can’t-not-start-hims means every week is a chess game with yourself up and down your roster. Guessing correctly that many times is unlikely, doing it every week isn’t possible.

That’s why Najee Harris is a blessing in disguise. He may not be any good, but he takes the guesswork out of at least one decision.

But is he hot?

On draft night, Micah demonstrated comprehensive knowledge of the aesthetic hierarchy of white players in the NFL. After rigorous scholarship, he is prepared to defend his dissertation asserting Aiden O’Connell is the ugliest of the NFL’s caucasian offerings. This season, we endeavor to test this theory.

I’m not exactly going to be on the cover of Playgirl, so I shouldn’t throw stones, but does Tommy Eichenberg not look like someone drew rudimentary features on a fingertip in that photo? If you asked AI to turn an index finger into a person, that’s what you would get.

jimmy Vs. Chris (163.4-102.3)

This, of course, made total sense. Chris’s best player (JaDavidMhyr MontGibbsery) was on bye. She had traded Aiyuk and Brian Thomas so their big games didn’t help her at all. She was starting Justice Hill and Javonte Williams, Wan’Dale Robinson and Jauan Jennings as five of her big seven.

If you don’t see 160-plus points when you look at that collection of players, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe do your research. Anybody could plainly see that a team whose best players (that would be Baker Mayfield and Mike Evans) went on Thursday night and only accrued a 29-point lead was destined to win by more than 60 points.

Chris scored 35.5% above her team average for the season and pummeled the shit out of Jimmy with three actual fantasy starters. Her lineup was the Millionaire Maker if you played it on DraftKings. They didn’t even start themselves in fantasy this week. It does not compute that those men scored those points. But they did and she won, and is 2-3 along with five other teams.

This is largely thanks to the one useful tight end in fantasy football. Brock Bowers maybe saddled with Gardner Minshew or, like Sunday, Aidan O’Connell (who while a very shitty QB is decidedly not the ugliest white guy in the league), but he’s the only TE I go into every week believing could get 20 points. Las Vegas can’t trade Davante Adams fast enough. Bowers had 12 targets without him, and has 97 yards and a score. Imagine what he could do if literally anyone else was his quarterback. Maybe the Raiders can trade Adams for Russell Wilson. Bowers could score 50 a week.

But as cool as Bowers is, he is NOT the coolest thing that happened in the Raiders/Broncos game. That was Maxx Crosby who, despite being injured, spent the entire game trying his best to scare the shit out of rookie Bo Nix.

This hit its zenith in the second quarter when he walked directly up to Nix at the line of scrimmage and yelled over his audible to tell him to audible louder.

Crosby is a fucking dog, man. That’s so humiliating if you’re Bo Nix. Here you are trying to be a big boy NFL quarterback and audible in a third-down situation and this human thresher takes a break from his job pre-snap to let everyone in the world know how non-threatening you are to him. Not only that, he finds you so unserious he would walk (stroll, even) wildly out of position and nearly commit encroachment to give you actual advice, because he knows you won’t do a damn thing about it.

Denver was at home for that. All of Bronco Nation heard Crosby take Nix’s lunch money. They did not get the first down, and Crosby sacked Nix twice in the game.

I was tempted to look at Jimmy’s 2-3 record and the team he just fielded in the season’s most predictable blowout and think he’s in trouble, but then I saw his bench. He has St. Brown, La Porta and Williams all past their bye, Joe Mixon coming back from injury, and Adams going to a vastly improved QB situation (doesn’t matter where, it will be better than Vegas). He also has Geno Smith to back up Joe Cool. He’ll be fine.

Week 5: It’s about sending a message