Week 6: The land of Bad
No long intro this week, but I do have social norms question.
You’re at a store, any store, and you’re in line to check out. The line is long as only a few lanes are open. Maybe just one lane.
You have waited, and your turn is nearly here. Like this:
The person in front of you has either begun checking out, or is just about to, when a second cashier arrives, opens up another lane and says, “I can help the next person over here.”
Do you go to the next lane over? Or do you stay where you are?
A couple things to consider: You’re already in the middle of the mini checkout aisle, so you can’t just take one step over and be at the new lane. You have to turn around and walk out past the others in line, then go into the other aisle. BUT, you have been patiently waiting, and by the letter of the law you are “the next person.”
My default is to stay where I am and tell the person behind me to go ahead. I do this because it’s less effort, and I get to feel like a nice person for a second. I like to imagine the person behind me getting just a little happier because of it. Maybe they’ll tell their friends about me later. Decency isn’t dead, they’ll say. Faith in people restored. Not all heroes wear capes.
An exception to this is if the person in front of me has a ton of shit, and I have only a couple items. I’m not waiting for 10 minutes while this guy buys his monthly groceries. I have shit to do. These podcasts aren’t going to listen to themselves. In fact, he should have offered to let me go ahead of him. It’s rude that he didn’t. This used to be a society.
I’ll also do it if I don’t like the person behind me. Like if they’re having a conversation on speakerphone, I’ll gladly push them aside to keep them from gaining even a second of extra time in their day. What are they going to do with it? Probably use it to take longer in a crowded drive-thru or some shit.
Apart from that, I’m pretty firmly committed to staying in place.
But I know plenty of people who, no matter what, jump on the invite. Without hesitation, they’ll about-face and switch lanes if offered. Their reasoning usually boils down to the fact that they are the person who is next, and life is full of bad breaks so why not capitalize on the lucky ones? I get that too.
So which one are you? These are the important questions.
Villian Corner:
In celebration of our own villains, this week The Cowboys for ruining so many people’s good time, each dispatch we will take a moment to appreciate a great villain from entertainment history.
Cersei Lannister
I have to imagine even the most staunchly counter-culture of you have at least a passing knowledge of Game of Thrones, and thus recognize the lovely lady above. But if that’s where your familiarity ends, here’s the quick CV. That woman there started off as the queen, and when her husband got his shit wrecked by a boar and died, her son took over. Her son was one of the premier douchebags in the history of fiction, and was eventually poisoned because who wouldn’t poison this kid?
Then her way softer son took over, and she basically became the shadow ruler because he was malleable. But unfortunately for her, he was so malleable that just about every other person who wanted power could control him too, so he was torn three ways between her, a hottie from a rich family who aimed to topple Cersei, and a religious fanatic pretending not to be a religious fanatic. Cersei thought she could use the fanatics to clear out her enemies (no one really likes her because she’s very disagreeable and oh she also banged her brother her whole life which is frowned upon). That backfires, she ends up being imprisoned, but then murders just about everyone in her way and takes over anyway. She eventually is killed in a pretty bad final season that anyone who appreciated the show sort of pretends didn’t happen.
So there you go. Of all the villains in GOT, and there are many, Cersei is far and away my favorite. She’s just petulant enough to be unpredictable, but just smart enough to make those unpredictable wants into haves. On the occasions when she’s outsmarted, she wins anyway because she’s willing to go farther and darker and more ruthless than anyone else. This is a world where babies are stabbed in the womb (at a wedding, no less) men crush other men’s heads with their bare hands, and people are eaten alive by dogs. All that shit is normal in Westeros, so you’d think people aren’t shocked all that often. But Cersei is so unflinchingly brutal and regards other people as so disposable that nearly everyone regards her the way you would a crazy man with a knife in a bar. You don’t look directly at them because you don’t want them looking directly at you, but you don’t dare lose track of where they are in relation to you.
I fucking love her because where her son was an evil prick with no real cunning, she’s an evil prick with cunning, and isn’t afraid to go nuclear when cunning isn’t enough.
More importantly, she’s responsible for two of my Top 10 all-time greatest “oh SHIT that was dope” moments in movie/TV history. The first is a scene I think about like once a month with no prompting whatsoever.
That fucking RIPS. For me that’s up there with Bane’s “do you feel in charge?” moment. It’s better, even, because of the absolute lack of subtlety. Look how quickly our man lost control of the situation. The Win Probability graph on that conversation had to look insane. He had her backed up into her own endzone and she just walked 100 yards for the win. Power is Power.
The other one requires a tiny bit of context. Remember how Cersei was imprisoned by the Westeros Baptist Church? Well she was allowed to return to the castle ahead of her trial, but first they shaved her head and made her walk for miles naked in front of the whole city, yelling “shame!” every couple of steps. You can guess where this is going.
So the day of her trial comes, and everyone who hates her is on hand to see her go down. Thousands of people are out to see the mighty queen mother humbled and then killed. She refuses to go, and everyone assumes she’s too proud or too impotently defiant to attend. Whatever, they’ll have the trial without her. What far too few of them realize, and far too late, is that everyone who fucked with an un-fuck-withable person is now in one place, and that person is intentionally not in that place. Wonder why that is.
Hell yeah, dude. That’s how you handle business. There’s self-satisfaction and then there’s the look on her face at the end there. That’s Olympic-level ego coming out of her pores.
Also, if you get a chance, watch the full scene of that. It’s probably one of the best sequences ever put on TV.
SEASON POWER RANKINGS
Using all the info at hand for the current season (points, points against, averages, schedule, roster depth) here are our league power rankings through 2 weeks
| Rank | Team | Power Score | Change |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Kyle Luke | 90.08 | --- |
| #2 | Steve Keers | 83.33 | ↑4 |
| #3 | Jimmy Slater | 82.61 | ↑8 |
| #4 | Ryan Munson | 81.79 | --- |
| #5 | Andrew DeWitt | 81.59 | ↑5 |
| #6 | Andres Santana | 81.06 | ↑1 |
| #7 | Justin Childs | 77.61 | ↓-5 |
| #8 | Micah Thoman | 72.12 | ↓-5 |
| #9 | Chris Bailey | 69.06 | ↓-4 |
| #10 | Will Armistead | 67.2 | ↓-2 |
| #11 | JJ Bailey | 63.67 | ↓-2 |
| #12 | Lee Morehouse | 57.39 | --- |
PLAYOFF ODDS
| Team | Odds | Change |
|---|---|---|
| Kyle Luke | 85.50% | ↑ |
| Andres Santana | 63.70% | ↑ |
| Micah Thoman | 63.70% | ↓ |
| Ryan Munson | 63.70% | ↑ |
| Justin Childs | 63.70% | ↓ |
| Jimmy Slater | 36.30% | ↑ |
| Steve Keers | 36.30% | ↑ |
| Andrew DeWitt | 36.30% | ↑ |
| JJ Bailey | 14.45% | ↓ |
| Will Armistead | 14.45% | ↓ |
| Chris Bailey | 14.45% | ↓ |
| Lee Morehouse | 0.39% | ↓ |
THE
GAMES
THE GAMES
Munson Vs. Justin (120.9-113.5)
Welcome to fantasy football, where success is made up and teams don’t matter!
I sat there last week looking at Justin’s roster and was absolutely beside myself. How could this happen? How could this man, who loves tight ends to an unhealthy degree and will roster anyone who spent time even looking at the Chicago Bears, have assembled such a glut of talent? Some of the best players in fantasy were on his bench or IR! I combed that thing up and down for a good two minutes looking for cracks and came away empty.
I turned to my dog in abject defeat and declared, “This is unreal, Dale. This fucking team won’t ever score less than 130 points.” Dale clearly did not understand the specifics of my complaint but did offer a protracted yawn which, if you didn’t know, is how dogs express frustration. Even he could sense we were living in an unbalanced universe and Justin was to blame. I will continue to foster this distrust and hope to use him as an attack animal before I play Justin in Week 14.
But this stupid hobby of ours is defined by vacillation; both our own and that of outcomes writ large, and so Justin’s team DID put up less than 130, and looked just as beatable as anybody else all of a sudden.
This is largely- no, entirely- because the Atlanta Falcons decided that NOW would be a good time to become a run-first offense. I told Justin this over the phone, but did you know Kirk Cousins is the fourth-best QB in the league this year by EPA when he’s NOT under pressure? With a clean pocket he’s better than everyone but Jayden Daniels, Josh Allen (pre-cognitive re-alignment), and Joe Burrow. He sucks when pressured, but he’s Brady when he has space. The Panthers are nearly dead last in pressure, worse at generating it when they blitz, and worse still when they blitz without Shaq Thompson, who is out for the season. They don’t have a defensive back graded higher than 65 in coverage. This was a matchup designed in a fucking LAB for Cousins and his wideouts, so naturally they set their season high in rushing attempts.
Cousins sucked for fantasy, and because of that Mooney sucked for fantasy, and neither of them had any goddamn right to suck for fantasy against such a terrible defense. They should have to deliver public apologies for 24 hours straight on PBS for what they did. Their understudies on Justin’s team, Jordan Love and Cole Kmet (yes, in this world Justin created, Cole Kmet and Darnell Mooney are in direct competition for starting minutes), both wildly outperformed their Falcon counterparts and would have won Justin the week.
Instead, Munson defeated the league’s number-one team while fielding such vaunted names as Tyjae Spears and Jaleel McLaughlin. Starting those two against a team averaging 130+ per week is like riding a cow into battle against the Roman Legion, but the cow doesn’t have its front legs. Those two performed about as well as the cow would, but luckily Deebo Samuel was back to making the Niners regret every penny they spent on Brandon Aiyuk.
Between him and Stefon Diggs, The Munsons were in a position that allowed Josh Downs to push them over the top. If you are Michael Pittman and Josh Downs, you have to seriously be considering getting your Jeff Gillooly on, right? Those two guys were in absolute hell with Anthony Richardson “throwing” to them.
Richardson is super fun to watch because he’s like if a rhinoceros and a Sherman Oak had a baby, and then someone attached The Paris Gun to that baby’s right shoulder. But much like that cannon, accuracy was sort of forgotten about until well after construction began. He can throw a football through a block of marble, but it would take him five tries to hit.
Given that fun combination, Downs and Pittman have as much chance at getting a catchable ball from Richardson as you or I do several cities away. That’s bad for guys looking to make money catching passes, and bad for us because I have worked very hard to avoid being involved with actual physical football. Joe Flacco has freed them from all that, and each passing week of quarterback functionality has to push them closer to drastic action. They’re about to watch their numbers swan dive into a dumpster. Don’t tell me they haven’t at least shared a glance when they’re walking behind Richardson on the stairs.
Also fun fact: The Dolphins met with Joe Flacco this offseason and decided to pass. Who cares that we have a quarterback whose body is extremely vulnerable to violent contact? “We’re good with Skylar Thompson and Tim (mayonnaise-is-a-spice) Boyle,” they said. Joe Flacco has Thrown for 716 yards, seven TDs, and one pick in two-and-a-half games.
Can’t Bear It
Did Justin start a Chicago Bear when he shouldn’t have?
No!
Who was it?
No one. Though DJ Moore was the only Bear to have a bad day in London.
Who should he have started in his place?
N/A
How many points did it cost him?
N/A
Examination
Should have started both Kittle and Kmet, Justin. What were you thinking? Who doesn’t start two tight ends over a wide receiver? Don’t you even LOOK at the matchups?
Season impact:
49.4 lost points
Steve Vs. Lee (125.5-116.7)
LOOK at that running back battle! Man what a titanic showdown that was. Ekeler, Sermon, Mason and Gibson: The Flaccid Four!
That quartet of world-beating performances didn’t even match Caleb Williams’ output and barely bested Riley Dixon’s 20 points. Mason gets a pass because he injured himself, but good god was this bleak. Bleaker still was each team’s alternatives. Lee’s two RBs are out with injury, and Steve got -.1, -.1, and 4.3 from his bench trio (plus McCaffrey’s 0 because he’s somewhere in Germany getting his blood changed out like a Chevrolet).
Not often that you get 5.8 from a running back (Antonio Gibson in the year of our lord 2024) and he was better in a landslide than THREE other choices. Strong work from Etienne and Akers. Five combined carries, -2 total yards.
I was uncontrollably giggling Sunday night laying in bed looking at this matchup. I actually had to get up and walk into the kitchen because I was having a fit of back-of-the-classroom-can’t-stop-laughing-with-your-friend giggles and it was going to wake up my wife.
I couldn’t stop thinking about something Steve said during the draft. Remember when scooped up Ezekiel Elliott, Trey Benson, and Jalen Wright all in a big cluster, and Will said “Steve, what in the world?”
Steve’s response was, “I’m trying to put together a running back room!”
Hey, my man?
But luckily for Steve, Williams is rad as hell and AJ Brown is back. Couple that with the fact Chris Olave has a witch curse on him and Austin Ekeler represents Lee’s only running back, and there was just enough meat on the bone for a meal. Lee finally got a real performance from his kicker! It took until he was completely out of the mix for the universe to allow it, but Austin Seibert put up more points this week than Lee had gotten from his kickers the previous five weeks combined. He did, however, miss his first kick of the season, because of course he did.
Isaiah Likely Value Tracker:
Acquisition cost: $53
Points since acquisition: 26.1
Exchange rate: $1 = .49 fantasy points
Kicker watch!
Brandon Aubrey has made 17 of 19 field goals and all of his extra-point attempts. He has the most points in the NFL with 60, and has now kicked for 806 yards. Josh Allen has 945 passing yards.
Jimmy VS. Micah (156.6-100.3)
Jimmy Weekly High Score
Jimmy wholesale whooped Micah’s ass without Joe Mixon’s 28.5 points. This is the season’s second-largest blowout, and there was still meat on the bone! It’s one thing to get banjaxed, but to have your opponent use Alexander Mattison to do it to you? Disrespectful.
During the Lions/Cowboys game (kind of like this matchup but in real life football), Jimmy wondered what the damage would have been if someone had just started all Detroit players. He got a good start on that, starting three of them to the tune of 45.6 points. Chris got her usual 30 from JaDavidsMhyr MontGibbsery (31.1), and I got 26.5 from Goff on my bench. (Unrelated, which of you two wants to complete your set? Come on down)
So if you started all Lions skill players, you have yourself 103.2 points. That would have beaten three of our league’s teams, and it’s only six players. Add in the defense (27) and the kicker (20.4) and you have yourself pretty much exactly Jimmy’s score heading into MNF (Jimmy had 151.6, the Lions had 150.6). The only player who got you nothing was the punter, because Detroit did not have to take time out from mollywhopping the Cowboys to punt.
That’s impressive stuff. Honestly, they are past their bye so why not just acquire all of them? I will do that. Chris and Jimmy, let’s start trading until I can just start the Lions every week. That way I cannot be wrong.
Speaking of, Micah turned left every time he should have gone right in his lineup journey. Purdy outscored Murray by 13, Pollard outscored Jacobs by 6, and Keenan Allen hobbled his way to 18 more points than Calvin Ridley. Or 12 more points than Cooper, if you like. It sill wouldn't have been close, but at least some heads could have been held high.
But the thing about Micah is he has Derrick Henry. And a beating, no matter how comprehensive, just doesn’t sting as bad when you know you have Derrick Henry. Because unlike most fantasy owners who see 27.2 points go up from a guy in a loss, Micah doesn’t have to worry that they were wasted. He knows they will come again next week, and again, and again, and so on.
This is due to the fact Derrick Henry is an ubermensch, ruling over the rest of us with a mix of curiosity and disdain. Did you know he spends a quarter million per year on his physique?
That’s not a bit. He really does that. Check it:
After underperforming in his first two years in the NFL with the Tennessee Titans, the current Baltimore Ravens star not only changed his running style, but he changed how he takes care of his body. Henry's financial adviser, Pete Kotos, told The Athletic's Dan Pompei that his client "spends $240,000 yearly on body maintenance."
He of course has a personal chef, and doesn’t eat fried foods, gluten, dairy, or artificial sugars. The article says he “eats kale, an avocado or a banana before practice to get something in the system.”
I’m not sure how a solitary banana can fuel Derrick Henry, but ok. Also “eats kale” is hilariously non-specific and so I like to imagine my Derrick Henry walking through a produce section before his workout and ripping off a fistful of uncooked kale and just raw-dogging that bad boy. A big tuft sticking out of his mouth as he grimace-chews a pound of dry leaves.
He doesn’t even eat a full meal until 1 p.m. during the offseason. In-season, his first meal is at 5 p.m. with a second one coming at 8 p.m. Check this shit out:
"I probably eat three chicken breasts, some rice and broccoli," Henry said. "Then I have some gluten-free pancakes, scrambled eggs, diced potatoes, home fries and some steak."
How dare you use “some” so many times. Give me numbers, Derrick. How many scrambled eggs?! How big are the pancakes?! “Some steak”?! You gotta give me more than that. I want weight.
To fuel his workouts, Henry takes IV fluids that contain a shot of vitamin E, Coenzyme Q10 and other nutrients three days a week. Not long after a season ends, he begins two-a-day workouts at SandersFit Performance Center in Dallas. The four-time Pro Bowler takes no days off.
Among his workouts are up to 10 sprints on a 100-yard hill, hammer curls with 80-pound dumbbells and Bulgarian split squats with 120-pound dumbbells. His recovery includes cold therapy, infrared sauna, hyperbaric oxygen, massage therapy and bodywork.
I looked up hammer curls to see what they were, and doing that with 80 pounds is not for people like you and me. Please enjoy this video demonstration with an all-time RIPPER of a music and graphics package:
Hell yeah Scott Herman. You USE that free trial of MovieMaker.
Jimmy could probably get the closest to doing that with 80 pounds, but he doesn’t need to, so why would he.
“Bulgarian split squats” sounds like something White Goodman would make up, but it turns out they are very real and very horrible-looking. Take it away Scott Herman!
If I did that like he was doing them, I would have to go to the hospital. If I did it like Derrick Henry, with a 120-pound weight in either hand, I would shit all my organs out immediately. No amount of cold therapy could fix that.
But is he hot?
On draft night, Micah demonstrated comprehensive knowledge of the aesthetic hierarchy of white players in the NFL. After rigorous scholarship, he is prepared to defend his dissertation asserting Aiden O’Connell is the ugliest of the NFL’s caucasian offerings. This season, we endeavor to test this theory.
Tommy “The Fingertip” Eichenburg won in a landslide, and so I had to bring out the big guns. I know Cody looks like a big fun goof, but before you choose, imagine him not smiling. Like, imagine him grunting. Does that change your mind?
Kyle Vs. JJ (116.6-99.9)
What a treat. I mean, who among us didn’t wish for something like this when they were a little kid? Sitting at a table, staring wistfully out the window into the great beyond and whispering- so as to not frighten our dreams away- “Someday, I’m going to get to start James Conner and Zach Moss as my running backs.”
Never give up on your ambitions, children. I’m living proof that through hard work and a little luck, all your wildest aspirations are within reach.
It’s truly something that I made several trades to put me in a position where I am starting Zach Moss and James Conner in a must-win matchup, because while that would indicate I traded poorly, I actually wouldn’t have had anyone to start at running back had I not made those trades. If that isn’t the essence of a cursed fantasy season I don’t know what is: Thinking “thank god I made those moves, I would have been screwed without these guys,” while also thinking “I’m starting these guys? I’m screwed.”
Conner tumbled out of the RB1 tier thanks to the Cardinals getting dog-walked by the Packers (I genuinely don’t remember them scoring 13 points), and Zach Moss did exactly what I thought he would do. That backfield belongs to Chase Brown now as expected, and the one and only reason I acquired Zach Moss- this exact scenario- resulted in 13 yards and a fumble.
Me benching Evan Engram after he was FINALLY active and him getting 15 points was funny, but funnier still was why I benched him. I was scared of his hamstring. He could tweak it again pre-game, and given they were in London, I could miss my window to replace him if I slept past 8 AM. Or worse, he could reinjure it on the third play of the game thanks to a very mean group of men in Chicago Bears uniforms and I then couldn’t replace him.
So I held him out to wait and see, and what I waited for and saw was my chosen replacement Dallas Goedert INJURING HIS FUCKING HAMSTRING AND LEAVING ON THE THIRD PLAY OF THE GAME.
Also what is up with the Cowboys, man? They fucking suck. Don’t get me wrong it’s very funny that Jerry Jones had his birthday ruined because the Lions turned his precious toy inside out on his front lawn, but this shit is killing me. Does anyone want CeeDee Lamb? He’s the world’s most average superstar. Consensus Top-5 pick in fantasy across the known universe and he’s been slightly better than Just A Guy. Rashid Shaheed and Chris Godwin have better fantasy totals. Lamb isn’t even in the Top 10 in weekly average.
Know who I refuse to be mad at though? Justin Fields. Look at my little Kirkland Jayden Daniels go. 22.9 points and he didn’t even throw for 150 yards OR a TD! You put some respect on Justin Fields’ name. That’s Fantasy Football’s QB 5 you’re talking about right there. Oh hang on my phone just went off:
Kyle limped to his season’s ugliest win despite starting the most underwhelming lineup he could muster. He started both backs from Seattle (that only works with Detroit, Kyle), Ladd McConkey and Keon Coleman. McConkey ended up fine, but I honestly thought the entire Chargers organization was about to be wiped from the face of the Earth for a minute Sunday. What the fuck was happening in Denver?
It was like the whole team was enveloped in The Fog or some shit.
But the hero of Kyle’s day was MR. ELECTRIC, Zay Flowers. Nine catches and 130 yards in the first half. Mr. Flowers, let me be the first one to say:
Kyle goes to 5-1 and is pretty much a postseason lock. This was so far and away the worst lineup he’ll have to start that no future stress can touch him. He can start all the Seattle running backs he wants to until Nico comes off IR. He can watch Tyreek get underthrown 15 times a week and calmly kick back and switch his TV over to bowling (he loves bowling, you guys). He’s tumbled to rock bottom and come out unscathed.
I’m glad I dug even deeper down so I could be there to cushion his fall.
Andres Vs. Chris (122-109.5)
Chris took the loss this week but did so knowing there was truly not a single thing she could have done differently. She could have started Braelon Allen, I suppose, but not really. No one would have done that. She had five guys on bye, and a Javonte Williams. Not really a choice to be made there. It was sink or swim with whoever was participating, and it still came down to the final game of Sunday.
“Wan’Dale Robinson vs. Chase Brown! The matchup you’ve all been waiting f- aaaaaannnnd everyone left.”
Had Mike Evans not gotten injured, Chris probably would have been .500 going into Week 7 because Baker Mayfield apparently promised some kid somewhere that he would never stop throwing no matter the outcome. Our man got picked off three times and still put up 28 points! You usually don’t get four TDs AND three picks. That’s seven possessions right there and you usually only get around 10 total. Baker threw all three picks over the span of four possessions in the first quarter. That game was fucking nuts.
Anyway, Evans would probably have liked to be involved in the remaining three quarters of lunacy and I’m sure Chris would have liked that as well.
She probably also would have liked the Cowboys to not have publicly soiled themselves for three unbroken hours, but she can get in line on that one.
Hey they found the on-switch for Bijan! There you go! Weird that it was apparently connected to the Tyler Allgeier on-switch, but good for him too I guess! Andres has both, and I am VERY disappointed we didn’t get a standoff between the Falcons RB room and the Lions RB room. That would have been delightfully strange.
Speaking of, JaDavidMhyr MontGibbsery continues to be the most fascinating thing in our fantasy season to me. I know I’m the only one who cares about this, but I simply cannot (will not?) let go of the fact that Chris gets almost the exact same amount of points from the RB position every week. Right now, she is averaging 30.5 from that position per week. That’s with the bye week for JaDavidMhyr included. Take that out, and she’s averaging 32.74. The man (men? mans?) posted weeks of:
31.2
29.1
38.0
34.3
31.1
That is fucking German-engineering-level precision, guys. It’s becoming a cosmic certainty. In a world (fantasy football) where variance is an accepted and universal fact, Chris has stumbled across the closest thing to an atomic clock. I can’t get over it.
What’s it like to never doubt a roster outcome? To never hem or haw, to never debate what could happen in an attempt to game out the right strategy? To…. know.
It’s great that the repeatable outcome in this case is positive, but I would honestly take it if it weren’t. At this point bye weeks are like heroin to me because they provide the only certitude I get. If I could know the point total for players who actually play, I might finally understand what serenity is.
DeWitt Vs. Will (149.4-133.2)
I could write a bunch of words about Will’s week, but I couldn’t say it better than Shane Falco: Number 16 in your program, Number 1 in our hearts.
It started Thursday. In what turned out to be a very fun game, the Seahawks and Niners went back and forth until they had put up 60 combined points by the time the smoke cleared. You’d think that would portend good things for Will, since he has both Brandon Aiyuk and DK Metcalf, but the ground was already shifting beneath his feet.
Aiyuk was targeted just four times (a week after he had 12 targets), caught two passes, and gained 37 yards. Metcalf had it worse, catching only three of his 11 targets, but missing out on not one, but two TDs. The first was called off because his toenail came down out of bounds:
Wear white cleats and you have yourself a touchdown, my friend. But the real dagger was in the fourth quarter when Metcalf snapped off a 52-yard TD, only to have it called off by an illegal motion penalty. Ken Walker and Tyler Lockett were both in motion on the play and because of this they both must come set before the snap. Walker didn’t, but I promise you it could not have mattered less.
Look at that! That couldn’t have impacted the play less if it was in a different game. But it was called, and Metcalf lost the points. In the end, Jaxon Smith Njigba outperformed both Aiyuk and DK, and he was on DeWitt’s team.
But Sunday seemed to be going ok for Will. He leapt out to a lead and was steadily gaining points. Then Hunter Henry scored his only TD of the season for DeWitt. Then DeVonta Smith found the endzone from 45 yards out. Then Terry McLaurin had his second score of the day. In two minutes, DeWitt gained nearly 30 points, and Will’s advantage disappeared. He was in quicksand, and then Dallas happened.
Funny enough, being on a team that’s getting stomped is usually almost as good for a fantasy quarterback as being on the team doing the stomping. There are inevitably interceptions, but it virtually guarantees a pass-only game script, which usually results in a ton of yards and some garbage time touchdowns. Usually.
Dak Prescott was not having ANY of that shit. He was so bad I’d believe you if you told me that was actually a body double. He completed 17 passes and only got 178 yards. He rushed once and gained three feet. That was it. Abject futility.
The uselessness of his performance combined with the price tag of his contract meant he spent the fourth quarter on the bench, so his fantasy output was locked in at 3.1. Jerry, how do you feel about that?
Woof. Hasn’t been that upset since the schools integrated.
But despite being nearly entirely submerged, Will still had one trembling hand extended above the surface. He had Monday Night Football, and though it was a long shot, Breece Hall could still save him. DeWitt had Josh Allen, but he has sucked recently and only half of his grey matter remains solid after last week’s concussion that totally wasn’t a concussion but very obviously was.
Hall had his best game of the season, but it was the same story. A big catch and run and he goes down at the three. Braelon Allen with a goal line carry on the next play, then Rodgers throws twice, field goal. A catch on a wheel route with nothing but open space, but there’s a missed block on the lone defender who could make a play. Another goal-line situation, three passes into the endzone. A big gain for 20 yards on the ground, Allen comes in for the next set of downs.
It went on like this, all while Josh Allen put up his best game in three weeks. At the final gun, as the Bills ran around celebrating like they accomplished something more than outlasting a shitty team in an ugly game that no one watching took all that seriously, Will was finally gone from sight. The quicksand had won.
As for DeWitt, he’s clearly going to win Coach of the Year after turning this pile of misfit toys into a .500 club. Chris, Lee, and I will all be vying for positions on his staff when we are ousted by ownership at the end of the season.*
*Reports indicate JJ Bailey is a strong candidate for an in-season firing
