Week 7: Gone Long
Hey, when was the last time you went to the movies? I know it’s rarer now, but surely some of you have been recently. Did you notice anything odd about a not-insignificant number of your fellow patrons? Like maybe the fact they all dressed as though the building you were in was not a public movie theater, but instead their personal bedroom?
I go to the movies a lot. It’s one of my favorite things to do, in fact. But ever since I’ve lived in St. Louis, I’ve largely been a daytime moviegoer. I worked nights at my first job, then had to follow a baseball schedule, and after a few years with normal hours, now I work from home and get paid per product, not per hour, so my schedule is flexible.
Over the last decade-plus, this has afforded me the luxury of going to a theater when very few other people are present. This is generally my preferred situation, though I do love a good opening-night blockbuster experience or packed-theater scary movie.
But Sunday I took my son to see The Wild Robot (pretty good!) and we went at 4:15 in the afternoon. I had not been to the movies during high-traffic hours since Twisters, and I saw Sunday what I saw then.
People- grown adults like you and I- going to the movies in fucking pajamas. I don’t mean athletic pants, or a big sweater, or leggings. I mean whole-ass jammies. Fleece pants with penguin patterns and shit. Plaid flannel. T-shirts two sizes too big. Fucking slippers. Not the kind dads wear to get the mail. The big fluffy sumbitches that are made to look like bear paws.
These people were dressed like a Folger’s Christmas commercial walking around in a public space in October like it’s perfectly normal. I saw four different people with blankets. They were not all together. I got popcorn and a GROWN WOMAN was sitting on a bench holding not only a fleece throw, but a fucking PILLOW. She was waiting on someone to come out of the bathroom, and that someone was a MAN who ALSO had a pillow. These are people in their 30s! I swear to god one girl had a stuffed animal with her. She wasn’t quite our age, but she was certainly too old to be taking a stuffed animal to a movie.
Am I crazy? This is unacceptable, right? This isn’t a church lock-in or a 12-year-old’s slumber party. It’s a movie theater. You may be sitting in a darkened room for 90 minutes, but it’s still a goddamn business. You have to drive there. You aren’t walking next door from your dorm room. You have to park and walk across a parking lot shared with a dozen other businesses, go inside, interact with at least one employee, and then go exchange adult human currency for food and drinks. There should be some sort of rock-bottom acceptable dress code for that.
You don’t need to dress like you’re taking a cross-country train ride in the 30s or anything, but maybe set the standard somewhere above James Franco in Pineapple Express.
He honestly might be overdressed based on what I saw.
I get wanting to be comfortable when the majority of a given activity requires sitting. That’s fine. Wear gym shorts and a hoodie or whatever. People do that all the time. But pajamas and pillows and blankets is too fucking far. Movie theaters already gave you seats that recline. That wasn’t an invitation to turn each one you enter into a facsimile of your living room. That’s the benefit of staying on your couch. You can dress how you like, talk all you want, and pause the movie to re-heat your Chipotle. The benefit of going to the theater is you get to watch a movie on a big fuck-off screen with loud fuck-off speakers. That’s what it offers. With it, there’s an implied exchange. You get the bigger screen and better speakers, you give the ability to present yourself like someone who hasn’t done laundry in three weeks because they can’t afford the gas to drive to their parents’ house.
COVID killed a lot of people but the worst thing it did was give a particular subset of people a wildly distorted sense of reality.
See during The Troubles, the lines between work and home blurred until they largely disappeared, and once things straightened back out, most people preferred it that way. It was easier for employees to work from home, and cheaper for employers who no longer needed to lease big spaces, so it became the norm. Fine. Good, even.
But for these pajama folk, the lines between home and everywhere else blurred too. Now everything can be done “from home,” and if that thing does not exist in their home, they just bring heir thome to the thing. The Pajama Folk never looked up to see that apart from working from our kitchens, nothing else about standard social behavior materially changed. The world didn’t cast off the rigid, puritanical standards of “maybe wear acceptable clothes when in public.” We all kind of agree there should still be some lines between public and home. That’s what makes home special. You can do things there that you cannot do elsewhere.
If you want the “home viewing” experience, the place to do that is right in the title. Don’t bring your home shit into public and force it on me. I didn’t leave my house and pay money to be here so I could smell your pillow sweat and Cheeto-dusted blanket. We are strangers. We aren’t fucking roommates. Get your shit together and make a MODICUM of effort to behave like a grownup. If you can’t handle that, stay home at watch Emily In Paris or some shit until the movie hits a streaming service.
God DAMN it. This used to be a society.
Villian Corner:
In celebration of our own villains, this week the London pub scene for taking out Damario Douglas, each dispatch we will take a moment to appreciate a great villain from entertainment history.
The “IT” from It Follows
I’ll keep this short. This movie rules, and even if you aren’t a big fan of scary stuff, it’s worth your time. The premise is simple: There is something out there coming for you. It always knows where you are, and it’s only purpose is to come to you. If you get caught, you are killed violently, and the only way to get it to focus on someone else is to sleep with someone. Then it’s passed on to them.
That’s a clever twist on horror movies, since characters who engage in sex are always killed- usually while they’re getting it on. In this case, sex is the one thing that can save you, but it also turns it into a predatory act by the good characters. They are knowingly giving a murder STD to someone to ensure their own survival.
The “It” in question is a deeply unsettling villain for several reasons, not the least of which being that it forces you to commit an act of evil to survive, and your attempts to survive guarantee the propagation of its existence. Once it kills who you passed it to, it comes for you. Then the person who gave it to you, then the person who gave it to them. You could pass it on again and again to new people, but you never know if your number is up unless you track the people you infected.
But beyond that, its pursuit of you is frightening because it preys on our most human frailties. It knows where you are. Always. You can run for weeks and months and years. It doesn’t matter. There is no hiding place to find. It is always out there, always coming to your exact location. You have no privacy and no safety.
It doesn’t run, it walks. That should be a comfort, but it isn’t. It walks because it can. It doesn’t need to hurry because you can’t outrun it. It doesn’t eat or sleep or do anything else but come for you. Sooner or later you will get tired, or sick, or overcome by stress, or simply make a mistake. It’s inevitable. You live in constant awareness of your own fallibility
Worse still, you don’t know what it looks like. It would be easy enough to stay alive if it was a hideous ghoul, and you could just take off running whenever you saw its horns or whatever. But it could look like anyone. It could look just like your friend, or your coworker, or a random person in the grocery store. Any face in the crowd. You never know how close it is, so every social interaction is fraught with anxiety. Any person staring too long or walking in your direction could be it. Think about that next time you are running errands. Imagine doing anything in public under the circumstances that any time a person starts to close the distance between you and themselves it could mean your seconds from death. It weaponizes our propensity for paranoia and anxiety.
Sometimes with villains, simple is better. This is one of those cases.
SEASON POWER RANKINGS
Using all the info at hand for the current season (points, points against, averages, schedule, roster depth) here are our league power rankings through 2 weeks
| Rank | Name | Score | Change |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Steve Keers | 87.21 | ↑2 |
| #2 | Kyle Luke | 86.74 | ↓-1 |
| #3 | Chris Bailey | 81.85 | ↑6 |
| #4 | Andrew DeWitt | 80.74 | --- |
| #5 | JJ Bailey | 80.00 | ↑6 |
| #6 | Andres Santana | 79.24 | ↓1 |
| #7 | Justin Childs | 72.99 | --- |
| #8 | Jimmy Slater | 72.96 | ↓-6 |
| #9 | Ryan Munson | 72.28 | ↓-3 |
| #10 | Micah Thoman | 71.30 | ↓-2 |
| #11 | Will Armistead | 69.25 | ↓-1 |
| #12 | Lee Morehouse | 52.94 | --- |
PLAYOFF ODDS
| Name | Percentage | Change |
|---|---|---|
| Kyle Luke | 93.80% | ↑ |
| Andres Santana | 77.30% | ↑ |
| Micah Thoman | 50.00% | ↓ |
| Ryan Munson | 50.00% | ↓ |
| Justin Childs | 50.00% | ↓ |
| Steve Keers | 50.00% | ↑ |
| Andrew DeWitt | 50.00% | ↑ |
| JJ Bailey | 22.66% | ↑ |
| Jimmy Slater | 22.66% | ↓ |
| Chris Bailey | 22.66% | ↑ |
| Will Armistead | 6.25% | ↓ |
| Lee Morehouse | 0.00% | ↓ |
THE
GAMES
THE GAMES
CHRIS VS. MICAH (142-107.1)
Mathematically, there was never a chance for Micah to win this game. He was down 50 going into MNF and Chris had her QB and best receiver to go. Even though he had Derrick Henry, even though he had Kyler Murray, even though he had a defense, it just wasn’t in the numbers. I knew this rationally, but I did not believe Chris was safe.
The final score looks like a blowout, but even as I sit here Tuesday morning I don’t believe it’s final. Everything looked like it went right for Micah. Chris’ Baker Mayfield threw two early picks to Micah’s defense and Mike Evans left the game, and this planet, after ripping his hamstring off the bone (at least it looked that way).
Yeahhhhh grown men don’t react that way to a day-to-day-type injury. That’s wheelchair shit.
When I pulled out my phone and saw the Ravens were up something like 40-10, I assumed Henry had done it again. But no! He ran for roughly 600 yards, and in the late game Murray rushed for a long TD again, but Baker managed to garbage-time the Ravens defense into oblivion and secure Chris a comfortable win.
But her victory will be short-lived, since she now faces a world without Evans, without Ju Ju Smith Schuster (who got hurt earlier in the day), and without anyone for her boy Mayfield to throw to since Chris Godwin got hurt too. Mayfield with no receivers will be fun, since he’s already mostly comprised of chaos energy and will throw as many passes as the game clock allows. It wouldn’t matter if he tossed six straight picks, he would keep throwing until he had seven touchdowns. The team would still lose, but he doesn’t care. The man is undaunted. If Baker Mayfield crashed a submarine in the Mariana Trench, he would get out and swim and make it all the way to about 20 feet shy of the surface before he drowned. That’s his gift. Inspiring efforts in dire situations that were his own doing.
Chris gets Tua back in the fold, at least for a few snaps until he gets hit again, which helps her and likely also helps Raheem Mostert. But she’s staring down the double-barrel misery of Xavier Worthy and Wan’Dale Robinson as her starting WRs and the waiver wire is a boneyard. The best guy out there is Jalen Tolbert and she had him already, tossing him aside for Isaac Guerendo. I can’t wait for that bidding war.
Given the sudden league-wide receiver deficit, Wednesday morning should be fucking HILARIOUS. There’s going to be so much money spent on so little talent. It’ll be like the NFT bubble out there.
Micah will be in that crowd of big spenders, won’t he? He’s got nine RB 2/3s on his team and no WR 1. His best wideout is Old Man Kupp, who returns from an ankle injury as the only wideout on the Rams. I’m sure a 2-4 team desperate to win their division won’t overuse him.
Amari Cooper is fine but still limited by the fact he has two cast iron skillets for hands, and Calvin Ridley should be good but is in fact in quarterback hell:
Those are all eight of his “targets” from a week ago. That right there is what it would look like if Micah got his shot under center in the NFL. But the Titans switched things up this week! They staged an injury for Will Levis and started Mason Rudolph instead. Hey, the backup works better for Indianapolis, why not try it? Surely Ridley’s target quality will improve, at least.
Buddies, it did not.
I went through all of Ridley’s nine targets, six of which were incomplete passes, and compiled a greatest hits for you to peruse (WARNING: GRAPHIC):
JEE-zus. Someone rescue that man. Send in the Airborne Rangers for an exfil to KC or Tampa immediately.
Also I love that I have access to film from every play in every game since 2022 and this is what I choose to do with it. The creator of NFL Pro would weep if they knew how much am I fundamentally abusing their dream.
But is he hot?
On draft night, Micah demonstrated comprehensive knowledge of the aesthetic hierarchy of white players in the NFL. After rigorous scholarship, he is prepared to defend his dissertation asserting Aiden O’Connell is the ugliest of the NFL’s caucasian offerings. This season, we endeavor to test this theory.
Bryan Bresee is finally free! I can let him out of the storage unit were I’ve kept him since Week 1. Now I have to get big Cody in there somehow. Also, I bet you can’t guess what position ol’ Trenton up there plays.
Kyle Vs. Lee (101.4-87.7)
I fucking REFUSE to accept that Kyle won this game. Look at his score. Look at his roster. His “victory” is an absurdity. I will not acknowledge it. Last week I said he couldn’t go lower, but I was so very wrong.
He started Tyreek Hill and Ladd McConkey at wide receiver. Like, on purpose. McConkey is somehow the better of the two this season, but that should not be a starting duo in a serious fantasy lineup. He has TWO Bills receivers, and neither are the new one. He benched them BOTH.
Kyle, asking as a man of science, why do you have Keon Coleman and Khalil Shakur on your roster if you are going to start Tyreek Hill and Ladd McConkey over them? You shouldn’t have them! You certainly shouldn’t be hiding them like they are secret weapons that will win you the war.
They are human chicken nuggets and you are stashing them in the fridge like prize leftovers. Either have them as a disappointing snack or throw them away. I promise you aren’t going to “get to them later.“ Jesus CHRIST, this man is 6-1 and doesn’t even have a full team! Who are you saving that last bench seat for, Tyrell Shavers? Hoping to collect the whole Buffalo set and then put it in storage for safekeeping while you McConk your way to six points a week?
Treating Bills receivers like guest towels. Ohhhh, don’t use them! They’re for display only! Fucking ridiculous.
Mark Andrews, after being passed around like a bong, has finally snapped out of whatever trance he was in for the first six weeks and is back to being Mark Andrews. Now that he’s on his fifth foster home, maybe he can finally unpack his suitcase.
Kyle’s kicker has missed three of his last three field goal attempts. I always assumed Greg Zeurlein was nicknamed “The Leg” because he could kick it far, but maybe he really only has one leg. That could explain his accuracy. He will be selling used Cadillacs by this time next week if Rodgers doesn’t pull his skin off first..
Kyle is lucky he has Kyren Williams’ unlimited touchdown card and Ken Walker, because Mr. Electric seems to have an unstable current. Hopefully Jayden Daniels’ rib injury doesn’t linger. I hear those can be a real problem for quarterbacks. It would sure be a shame if things caught up to Kyle.
Lee also had a fantasy team that played this week.
Kicker watch!
Brandon Aubrey did not play this week but is still tied for sixth in points this season. He and Derrick Henry both have 60. Kickers always lead the league in points and this year is no different. However, Henry and Kyren Williams are fighting back. They are the only two skill players to crack the top 23 in points, and they are both in the top 12. That’s pretty nuts to think about. Henry and Williams are outscoring more than half of the league’s kickers. Pretty good.
Munson Vs. Andres (118-113.5)
What in the shit was this? Did you both have food poisoning or something? If it weren’t for the two Monday games, Andres’ number two scorer would have been the Cleveland DST. Kyle Pitts was listed among the “top performers” at the start of the day.
You were both 4-2! Have some self respect.
I’m not spending any more time than I have to on this dumpster fire.
Lamar showed up to carry Andres to a…. victory, I guess, though he needed help from LA’s kicker to get it done. Cameron Dicker made all five field goal attempts, amassing 224 yards of distance. That’s what it took. It took a 5-for-5 day from a kicker and a god-level performance from Lamar Jackson to get Andres to 118 points. It took Rachaad White having two receiving touchdowns and 100 all-purpose yards to get Munson over 100 points. This is bleak shit.
Not only did Andres win this slopfest, but he took sole possession of second place in the standings. He’s the only 5-2 team and he’s 10th in points scored. That is EXACTLY the kind of throat-slitting Andres his famous for in fantasy. Now he can look down at Micah and Justin and Jimmy, all in the top-four for points, from his perch high above them:
Will Vs. JJ (155.2-147)
JJ Weekly High Score
There’s a thing in sportswriting called “The Gamer Jinx” that occurs when writers attempt to get ahead in their work by typing up a story about a contest that hasn’t yet finished. Generally, the outcome of the game in question appears to be relatively certain, and you write a story that reflects that in the hopes that at its conclusion, you can grab some postgame quotes, plug them in, and get home at a reasonable time. The problem is, by simply writing toward an expected outcome, you guarantee the outcome will change and all your work (research, writing, interview questions) will be nullified. You will start from scratch, which means a much longer night, all because you wanted to get a bit ahead. I’ve had this happen to me enough times that I fear The Gamer Jinx in all aspects of my writing, even when covering our fantasy league.
But what if I could turn the Jinx in my favor? What if I could write toward one finish line, the one where I lose, and thus trick the Gamer Jinx into giving me a win?
Let’s try it. It’s 11:36 AM Monday, and I am between my freelance assignments with an hour before the next batch arrives. I’m currently losing 135.5-105 with James Conner, Justin Tucker, and Blake Gilliken to go for me, and Trey McBride and JK Scott to go for Will. Let’s get our jinx on:
This was a critical week for Will and I, two teams that have caught the ass end of the luck stick through the first half of the season. Between injury and anomalous underperformance (and sometimes overperformance from opponents), we were essentially playing each other to see which one of us has to go into full badger-in-a-corner, fight-or-flight mode.
Trouble started at the earliest possible hour for me, thanks to the NFL’s insistence on staging London games at the ass crack of Sunday dawn. My beautiful baby Evan Engram, who I finally started, came out HOT in the first quarter, racking up 35 yards on three catches right away. This was the TE I had been waiting for (gross). Did you know his over/under on DraftKings was 40.5 receiving yards? How happy were you at 8:45 AM if you bet the over? I hope you didn’t because you then spent the next three hours watching his stat line calcify. That number is exactly where he ended, and his fantasy total never moved. My hot young pickup Damario Douglas also came out swinging, but left the game after two quick catches and 14 yards because he “fell ill,” which is a new one for me.
Let’s see, he’s 23, in London for the first time, and is a visiting professional athlete. I wonder what illness could have befallen him?
Bit of the ol’ sawce, innit? A wee pink, are we? Bottled to bits, ay guvnah? …….wanker.
On the Will side Tank Bigsby finally got elite fantasy numbers to go with his elite running stats. The man led the NFL in yards per carry by a mile coming into the game and finally got the volume to amass substantive totals. I know Doug Pederson says people don’t lose jobs to injury, but fucking come on, man. Bigsby is a monster. He runs like a dune buggy with anger issues. Do the ceromnial first snap thing with Etienne and then get him out of the way.
Stateside, Drake London decided to volleyball set a 20-yard pass to a defensive back, ending Atlanta’s final drive after their previous two ALSO ended in turnovers. Brian Robinson got game-scripted right into obscurity despite looking awesome, and Jared Goff fumbled away his chance to outscore Drake fucking Maye on my bench. Still, the Eagles tried their darndest (or, more accurately, the Giants did by giving away the ball every offensive possession), and George Pickens (I know, I can’t believe it either) finally had a stat line resembling that of a receiver who is his team’s only pass-catching option. I refused to watch that game because I was emotionally broken, but I did enjoy the fact that on three separate Steelers scores, the play before the touchdown was an incomplete pass to Pickens. That’s always fun.
Anyway, despite having three guys going in the final two games, I was unable to close the gap. Davante Adams finally suited up for the Jets, and since Rodgers now had his old buddy AND Garrett Wilson to throw to, obviously Breece Hall was the team’s leading wide receiver. The man had more receiving yards than Wilson and Adams combined. This gave Will 30 points of cushion and Trey McBride to go, and James Conner rushing against the Chargers, who make every moment of a football game a goddamn SLOG.
It was a valiant effort, but in the end, my historical subservience to Will won out, as I am now 3-15 against him. I am his Rex Ryan.
There. Let’s see if that works.
Tuesday Morning Update:
Holy shit! Did I make that happen?! Am I a god?
I should have been doing this every goddamn week. I’d be undefeated at this point.
Well, everything I wrote up there is still true, except for the not-closing-the-gap part. My punter put up nearly 20, and Conner managed to claw his way to 100 yards in a game that was as ugly as predicted.
It’s kind of fitting that after all the trades, all the commiseration, all the odd luck and weird outcomes, Will and I at 2-4 ended up in a contest where not only did it come down to the final drive of the final game, but the loser was guaranteed to be the second-highest scorer on the week.
For Will, that’s the second time in two weeks he’s lost while having a top-3 score. He has the most points scored against him by 30 and is outscoring three of the top six teams in the standings. Fantasy bullshit has finally come for him. Welcome, brother. Welcome to this cold place.
However given his point totals, Will could make the postseason with seven wins, which means he has two losses left to give. He gets Lee next, but has to go through Justin Tha Point Gawd after that. Then he gets teams he’s outscoring three out of the next four weeks, so it’s doable.
My season gets to move out of the ICU to a regular hospital bed for a few days before I face Jimmy, which will likely send me back into critical condition. But look! Here comes Jonathan Taylor off my IR:
Steve Vs. Justin (121.8-114)
It was a tough week for Justin, down four players thanks to Chicago taking a week off. I know he has a lot of Bears, and I know I point it out every week, but I was still shocked to see nearly his entire bench on bye and then realize they are all on one team. It will never not be amusing to me.
Anyway, Malik Nabers fell victim to ol’ Danny Dimes, who managed to play a full NFL game at quarterback in 2024 and not throw for 100 yards. He completed 14 passes, was sacked seven times, and finished with a gentleman’s 16.6 as his QB Rating. It says here on the stat sheet the Giants had the ball for 24 minutes, but I promise you that’s a lie. I saw that game. Unless they are counting pregame warmups, there’s no way. I’ve spent more time watching a single TikTok than the Giants did with the ball. The Falcons ran way too successfully, which hurt Mooney, and the team may never pass again after Sunday, so that’s bad long-term for Justin.
The Jets were… how should I put this… a fucking disaster on defense. They allowed Russell Wilson, last seen under center in the shape of a useless butthole, to throw for 264 yards and two touchdowns. They gave up 102 yards to Najee Harris who, after spending five weeks as a replacement-level flex player, is now apparently an elite running back. That ass-whipping netted Justin -3 points and his third loss of the season.
And look at Steve! Four wins for the big fella! What a difference AJ Brown makes, man. What’s it like having an elite WR actually be, you know, elite? Seems nice. Is it fun to start him? I bet it’s fun to start him. I bet it’s even more fun to have a surprise star in Tee Higgins, who despite what preseason mouth-talkers said, was not supposed to be this good. For years Tee Higgins was the depth guy you threw in to get a trade done. He was the safety blanket you kept on the bench so that you wouldn’t score zero if someone else was out. He was the fries you put in the to-go box. You don’t plan on eating them, and if you do, you’re probably not in a good place.
But here he is averaging double digits, leading Steve back from the dead even when he has to start the likes of Patrick Mahomes at quarterback. Mahomes is great, and probably the best to ever play the position, but the dude is not startable in fantasy. The last time he put up 20 points or more was Week 7 of last year, and he’s only had three of those games total in the last 25 weeks played. Seems insane, but he’s barely startable in a two-QB league. He’s 22nd at the position in points.
I like that Steve has both Dalton Kincaid and Zach Ertz on his team, because that way he can play matchups, you know? You can never tell which of those guys is gonna give you that 12-point blowup. It’s really a Sophie’s Choice situation trying to manage all that firepower. Choosing between those two is like deciding between two pieces of flavorless toast. Kincaid and Ertz aren’t designed to elevate a meal. They’re there for texture. For mouthfeel.
But speaking of Tight Ends…..
Final Isaiah Likely Value Tracker:
Acquisition cost: $53 (NOW DROPPED!)
Points since acquisition: 28.8
Exchange rate: $1 = .54 fantasy points
New numbers coming next week when someone picks him up to start in the flex because every WR is dead now.
Can’t Bear It
Did Justin start a Chicago Bear when he shouldn’t have?
He could not!
Who was it?
All were unavailable
Who should he have started in his place?
Literally anyone
How many points did it cost him?
None!
Examination
Can’t lose if you don’t play! If only he had the Bears Defense. I would have had a field day with that.
Season impact:
49.4 lost points
Dewitt Vs. Jimmy (122.9-120.7)
Oooooooooooof. Been there, Jimmy. I’m guessing Mr. Slater is better adjusted than myself, but if he’s as bad as I am when it comes to fantasy fixation, he will be staring at Aaron Jones and Geno Smith on his bench for days. Either one of those guys starts and he wins the week.
I know Jones was hurt and playing a good Lions defense, but the four-point performance gap between him and Bucky Irving was the difference between fifth place and eighth place in the standings. Same with the two-point gap between Geno and Burrow, though almost everyone would have gone Burrow in that situation.
If it were me, I’d be looking at my score on the hour, reliving every minor choice that led me to this point. What if I had ordered the burger instead of the salad Friday night? Would that have changed my mood and my thinking? Should I have turned left at the stop sign and gone the long way home so I had more time to think about my choice? My wife would catch me grimace-staring at a blank counter and ask me what was wrong, and I would have to say something vague to hide the fact I was emotionally mutilating myself over a managerial mistake I made with my pretend football team. I know this because I have done it several times this year. It sucks ass, dude.
But Jimmy is better than me. Better than most of us, actually. He likely turned this into something positive like a really great workout. I bet he set a personal record in the gym and now that white t-shirt fits just right. Probably got himself a new ab.
He could have channeled that negative energy into shaping up his beard so his jawline is even sharper than usual. Cooked up a flavorful high-protein, low-carb meal and took his dog for a walk in the woods. Maybe got spotted by an REI marketing rep and is now the company model for their fall line of cable knit sweaters.
You know what fuck Jimmy. I’m glad he lost. Handsome, muscular prick. He has enough going for him.
I’m not really sure how DeWitt won, given that his RBs combined for 19 points and two of the three receivers he started tag-teamed their way to a cumulative 0.3. But here he is at 4-3 and steaming toward a return of Isaiah Pacheco. He is the Chiefs of our fantasy league this season. No matter how many injuries, or how street-level his running backs, he just keeps undulating into the win column against the odds.
This is the stuff legacies are made of. The organization is already etching his Ring of Honor plaque.
